Thursday, December 31, 2009
Every couple of weeks I get myself to refocus what constitutes as a problem and what does not because I often get lost. I get jumbled up in other people's values and goals instead of my own and end up sidetracked. So now that I have my head put back on and my mind isn't all foggy in other stupid's agendas, here's my mini sketch of a plan...
Since I have already applied to a bunch of places for the summer season that are around the states, if something like that lines up and I end up with a seasonal job, I'll jump aboard that. That way I can make some money and go away somewhere I haven't been before...
BUT, if something like that doesn't happen, and I'll know by probably around March or April? then I want to go abroad on a volunteer trip. I've been researching countries and opportunities and there's SO much out there. I can take the safe route and try another Westernized European country, OR, I can try a different more third world country. The ones I have taken an interest in are...Thailand....and well, Thailand. Something like Thailand would be fun. I want to go for somewhere in South Africa, possibly India, but those scare me a little bit more then Thailand does. Especially if I'm going by myself...
but THAILAND! oohhhh sound like fun! and not only would it help me to spread my wings a little, help others a lot but it would also help me to explore what I really want to do in life. Which is? Well I'm not quite sure, but I think I want it to involve helping others and education and stuff like that. Like, what I really want to advocate is spreading the quality of life and putting out the idea that the world runs around ourselves. Because it doesn't. I want to make a difference in the lives of others and now I just need to figure out how I want to do that...like, in what capacity. So, it's a start!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Fabienne: I was looking at myself in the mirror.
Fabienne: I wish I had a pot.
Butch: You were lookin' in the mirror and you wish you had some pot?
Fabienne: A pot. A pot belly. Pot bellies are sexy.
Butch: Well you should be happy, 'cause you do.
Fabienne: Shut up, Fatso! I don't have a pot! I have a bit of a tummy, like Madonna when she did "Lucky Star," it's not the same thing.
Butch: I didn't realize there was a difference between a tummy and a pot belly.
Fabienne: The difference is huge.
Butch: You want me to have a pot?
Fabienne: No. Pot bellies make a man look either oafish, or like a gorilla. But on a woman, a pot belly is very sexy. The rest of you is normal. Normal face, normal legs, normal hips, normal ass, but with a big, perfectly round pot belly. If I had one, I'd wear a tee-shirt two sizes too small to accentuate it.
Butch: You think guys would find that attractive?
Fabienne: I don't give a damn what men find attractive. It's unfortunate what we find pleasing to the touch and pleasing to the eye is seldom the same.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
This coming semester I am taking four classes:
1 MW nights
2 TTh day
1 Th night
I figured it's best to stop being so immature. The Earth isn't going to die in the six months I am attending school and I will be able to go away for summertime. I have an entire lifetime ahead of me. I need to take advantage of now and get an education and ready myself for my future escapades.
Goals: Pass Classes. Not be a dropout. Be happy. Feel happy.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
to drive away.
Right now it's just me and Zayda, the dog. He's the only thing that is giving me company when I really need it. To say that I am unhappy would be an understatement. To say that I am sad is too dramatic. So, lets just say I am not content.
I am not content with my friends, my living situation, my money situation, my whereabouts, etc.
In January I will have found money somehow and I am going to go somewhere.
I say this a lot.
But for once, I have places to go.
Because I know people now.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I guess I'm just retarded.
Monday, November 9, 2009
I'd really like it if you helped today be a lot better than yesterday. None of this fighting with the family, saying goodbye to friends, having stress related bloody noses, breaking down, coughing up lungs and being a wreck stuff. Ok?
Glad we got that cleared up,
Love you already.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I blinked my eyes, thinking.
I rolled over immediately and looked in the direction of the doorway...waiting for what comes next.
...do you want us to get you anything from starbucks?
My sister busted out laughing, not being able to hold it back anymore. Apparently she had been the first voice that I blew off and ignored, and Harold, ohhh Harold, was the second voice. She was laughing at not just how pitiful I looked wrapped up on my bed in a half comatose state, but how I immediately responded to Harold's voice. I had to defend myself.
Juli, stop laughing!
Because it's not funny! You are not comparable to Harold.
-and why is that?
Harold is a god, Juli. He is a BARISTA!
-ohhh a Bariiiiiiiiista
YES! and a God. I can't help but to give any barista my fullest attention, and a little more. They're all so attractive, it doesn't matter male or female, ugly or supremely attractive...although the more male and the more attractive the easier it is... POINT!? Barista=God, Harold=Barista, Harold= Godly. You have a keeper, my dearest sister. Keep him.
-so you can tell that he is a barista by his voice?
Juli, a Barista's voice rings out to me. They're godly. One of a kind. You obviously don't understand...
suddenly Harold interrupts which made me stop listening to my sister and gaze admiringly at him. "do you want a cold or hot drink?"
As I stared at him, I couldn't help but to notice the glow, the aura, if I may, that enveloped his body. "Any drink you get for me will be wonderful. Something to make me feel less shitty would be nice...I trust you...God. You are my barista. My drink is in your hands...."
I rolled back into my cocoon on my bed and awoke to a beverage being thrust into my delicate fingers. I sat up and inquired what had been chosen for me. A warm lemonade with mint tea and two packets of honey. Yummmmm. It was like a better version of Warm Apple Cider and made my throat feel nice. You may be able to compare it to a cough drop, but a really really good liquid cough drop.
Point to the story?
I love baristas and can't help but to flirt with them no matter where I go. They know a craft and I cannot help but to respect that, and want some of that...ahaha
...love at first sip.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Lately my life has been spinning. Round and around and I don't know when I should just STOP! and put my feet back on the ground and center my head. Am I being stupid? Selfish? Foolish? Naive? I want to know. Am I being good to myself? Giving myself credit? Making steps to grow as a person?
Then because I've been thinking about how things fit into one another, I started thinking about relationships. I don't understand them. And I'm frustrated. I mean, obviously I've never quite been there and partly because I don't see the point. I can take care of myself, I have friends, I am content doing things by myself or with other friends. So then I think of what I would do with a boyfriend. Is it just clinging to one another? Is it just having someone to pester when you want? I don't like the idea of becoming attached to someone but I do like the idea of having someone to lean on.
Then because I was thinking about that stuff I started thinking about my personality. I don't want to be manipulative. I don't want to out think someone into thinking that they like me when they don't. I don't want to create a false environment, and I don't think I am doing that, or if I even really have that ability, but it's one of my thoughts. I don't want to do that.
From there my thoughts moved to what happens if someone is liking me for all the wrong reasons? You think I am cute. Cool. You think I'm innocent. Cool. You think that I am intelligent. Cool. But is that what people are supposed to like you for? I'm not sure. Is that what I really am? I'm not so sure.
But what I think it boils down to is that I am scared out of my mind for trying something new. For going against a lot of peoples' ideas of "right" and "wrong" and doing (for once) what I really REALLY want to do. It's scary to put yourself out on the line and be vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable. It's leaving yourself available to get hurt, and getting hurt hurts. As strong as I am, I'm not that strong to wear I can endure more and MORE hurt.
I'm worried that I am going to start comparing everything to everything else that has happened to me. Creating meaning and significance out of nothing, and not taking meaning out of things that actually mean something. I recently learned in one of my classes that when you over react to something it isn't necessarily about whatever just happened to you, but that you are reliving a past moment that upset or hurt you.
Something that I am particularly sensitive to is when people say that they are going to do something and then they never do it. That they "don't have time" or "don't know how" because I grew up with that being said to me all the time. It created a drive within me to always fulfill what I said I would do and be there for my friends all the time no matter what. If I don't know how, I will learn how. I never "don't have time", because I will make time. So when someone tells me that they didn't have time to call it really hurts me. It scares me. Does that mean you're never going to have time and that I'm not ever going to be a priority. You make time for things you like. That's my mindset. If you smoke and run out of cigarettes and really need a cigarette, I am positive that you will find a cigarette. If you really like someone, you will find a way to get in contact and make them feel good. Especially if they're doing that for you. Anyways, I'm sensitive about that. I don't want that to be a problem. I'm worried that it's going to be a problem.
Other than that,
I think life is ok.
I mean, besides the going out of my mind with constant thoughts.
And falling behind in school because I'd rather be making sense of things then studying for retarded tests.
eh, I'm having good times and just need one good positive thought at a time.
Scatter Brained Christina
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Yesterday I was She Wolf, today I'll probably be Sasha Fierce and tomorrow..."not a girl, not yet a woman" ??? Quite possibly. I also start to imagine that all the tacky cheezy songs that are being played on Kiis FM are about me. "She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before..." hahaha, I'm pretty sure they are ALL about me.
I love the radio.
I love my imagination.
Somebody better call 9-1-1?
She had a bad dream. Someone tried to take her guild from her. I guess. My mom asked her "was that upsetting because you have to work so hard for the guild and build it up?" then my sister looks at her and says snidely "no, I didn't have to work for it. It was like already level 60, but the guy was following me around the WORLD!"
...The world being the different lands she plays on for World Of Warcraft.
This is when you know...
your sister is a gamer
has a problem
lives a worry free life (being that her biggest worry is her GUILD)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Other than that... I got a Disneyland pass from my mother today. I wanted to bop every annoying kid on the head as I walked down the Main street to take the picture for the pass. I also picked up cd that I pre-ordered from the local record store, drank a lot of coffee and did some journaling. Then I got my eyebrows did so that I can feel like a girl, again.
Now I'm hanging out with a friend and then another friend and then another other friend. Distractions galore.
Optimism and happy thoughts.
Laughter and smiles.
Avoiding the dark colored clothing for awhile.
I need to not be so pessimistic so soon.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
SO, let me tell you about what happened yesterday.
Ok. Yesterday I laid in bed all day. Well, until 2pm. During this time I listened to music on repeat and stared at the ceiling and exchanged very minimal words with the little sister who was in my room playing video games. I just laid. For hours.
Finally, I arose and took a shower. I then sat for an hour "drying", got dressed and went off to babysit.
Babysitting was alright. I helped pick up a dog from a shelter, helped make critical decisions on how to take care of the dog, and then went home. It was a good couple of hours of working. Fun, good, but a little stressful. I'm worried for the dog. ....a little more than slightly.
So, then I get home to be yelled at by two sisters who were apparently waiting to go to Disneyland with me. My mom bought us passes randomly and I guess we were going to go last night to take the pictures for them. First off, I didn't ask for a pass. I'm not that into theme parks, at least, not enough to get a pass for anything. AND I was feeling overwhelmed already AND I felt ugly. So I put up resistance and they left without me.
I walk to my room. Friend calls me. Friend needs me to help him finish his project that involves MEEEE, so I go to school. We sit, chat, laugh, edit and write various comments onto his project papers. We had a good time. We split ways after having a brief discussion on public restroom poop requirements. Like, where can you go, and who can be present and compared our findings to that of the masses. Interesting. We were definitely not typical.
Then, still feeling like a hot mess, I get myself into breakfast food eating with my partner in crime Jlee and her boyfriend. Without first beginning to drive to LA. LA? Why would I drive to LA? I wanted to be by myself (ish), listen to music (a lot) and go somewhere I don't get to go very often and find somewhere random (and probably get killed at) to eat! So LA seemed perfect. But, after just hopping onto the freeway and settling into my 80 mph, Jlee called me. So I got off and turned around.
Denny's. Beach Blvd. SO. MUCH. FUN.
Basically what went down was girl talk (talking about boys), boy talk (talking with her boyfriend) and a whole lot of bullying each other. It is only acceptable to bully someone that you are comfortable with, because they're going to bully you right on back and nobody wants hard feelings. So you have to be good friends. Like we are. A Moon Over My Hammy with hash browns and a coffee later, I felt good, they felt good. We had decided we all felt good and we split our directions. A significant thing that went down last night was that Jlee's boyfriend was introduced to the breakfast table. Our breakfast table. It is a very exclusive event. Invite only. He's a lucky man.
Then after a short drive down the street, I'm back home. Next thing you know, I'm making art projects! ...and being creepy. But being really proud of my creepy art. I mean, that's the most creative I've ever been. So I showed Jlee (over the internet) and she got jealous and wanted me to make a picture of me and her. So I did. Now I have two really cool pictures with two really cool people. I'll make more. I just know I will.
now I feel better. A little embarrassed of my creepiness, but the embarrassment hasn't been able to outshine the pride. Which I have a lot of. Pride. So proud.
NOW, I sit in wait.
I have class at 4pm. Classmates and I are crossing our fingers that we have no test today because he missed class last week. If we do have a test in our class, classmates and I are all going to fail. Eh, I can handle that.
Monday, October 19, 2009
"Taker Breakers" and "Giver Uppers."
Now, "Taker Breakers" are people that need to regroup. They're not losers in the loser-ish sense because they're trying to find themselves and get the focus they so desperately need. "Taker Breakers" will be back. Be it a semester, a year or a few years. They will be back. They just really need a break! You betcha little heart though, that when they come back it's going to be full throttle and they're gonna OWN their campus.
Then there's the "Giver Uppers." The "Giver Uppers" are the losers in the most loser-ish way. They threw their hands up in the air and said OY! swore of school and ran of campus never looking back, never trying to their fullest potential. Hiding from life's challenges.
To be quite honest, I don't really understand the second group. Because I am wanting to be apart of the "Taker Breaker" group and not the "Giver Uppers" one. I was schooled on both of these by my new man friend last week and he said that is better to be apart of the first group because it makes you feel better and keeps school in the picture...sorta. At least, that's what was mumbled on the phone, sorta.
School, you need to stop being so miserable and depressing. Friends, you can keep doing what you want at school because I enjoy seeing you at school. But SCHOOL, you really need to get your act together because I'm ready to Swear you off for awhile and take my break. You're total Bullshit right now. And teachers?! Get yo' shit together too! Students are supposed to procrastinate and get in trouble NOT the teachers.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
ummm, last I checked, I don't identify with anything and it doesn't have a mutt button. Or even an Americanized button, for that matter. 3rd generation button?
F U registration.
I'm not white, i'm not Mexican, i'm not Japanese, i'm not Italian, black, Filipino, or any of that. Just me, thanks. Also, white and black, those are colors, not ethnicities. I mean, really?!
...maybe I'll lie and put Samoan, or everything for that matter.
"well, I'm part of the... salad bowl...have you heard of it?"
...or maybe I'd be better off with the oh so wrong melting pot and say I just melted everyone into me?
Monday, October 12, 2009
I went to one of my usual Starbuck's Saturday night before I had to go to work and there was one of the regular workers working, obviously. This would be typical being that I was a regular at this Starbucks and am rather familiar with the Starbuck employees.
So. There I am. At my Starbucks. When the worker who I have dubbed "the Prince" the one that evolves from the Beast from Beauty and the Beast comes out of the backroom. He seriously looks just like him. Well, Prince has been admiring me from afar for quite some time. Or so it seems. He tends to freeze, choke up on his words, get flustered/antsy whenever I go there while he's working. I've talked to him a couple of times, but usually I'm rushing to work and run out the door.
The last time I had spoken to him I was going to Washington later in the night and he and his co-worker wished me luck. So yesterday, I was waiting at the register when he came out from the backroom. He had started making a drink, but then saw me waiting and abandoned drink and came to the register where he stood quite awkwardly with mouth agape.
A line formed.
He stood there. Mouth agape. Not saying anything.
Me: Ummm, hi. Can I have this (place starbucks energy drink on counter) and an Iced Coffee with some sort of sugar-free sweetner in it?
Me: Here's Five dollars, I don't know how much it is...
Him: How was Washington? I remember you were going there...I'm in a band!
Me: Cool. So...how much is it?
Prince decided to make a very awkward move on me. He didn't charge me for the iced coffee. So I only had to pay for the energy drink. But then I didn't know how to act. Do I owe him something now? Conversation?
I grabbed my energy drink and went to the pick-up side of the counter. And stood.
Coffee maker man/barista looked at me wondering what was going on as well. I didn't have a clue. And I had to go to work, on account of this is the coffee place I go to before I go to work! And I was late! So, I stood there for a moment until my drink popped up. I thought about what I should do, and then walked by the register spit out a hasty "hey, thanks for the drink!" and bolted out the door.
Now on my mind is...what do I do the next time I see him? Was I rude? Did I hurt his feelings?
I really find the whole situation kind of funny because I've been in that situation myself. Like, right now there's a dreadlocked beauty in one of my classes, and somehow I managed to get myself into a group and even study one on one with him! POINT, though, is that I stutter all the time in his presense. And it's not at all like I have a crush on him, but that I admire his smartness and eco-friendly look.
Overall point, is that I can be awkward. But anyone that knows me knows that. It's one of the many qualities that makes my company so greatly enjoyed by the masses.
But, yeah, I wonder what happens next, because I'm not really interested in getting to know him anymore. I've been going there for over a year now and he's just finally starting to talk to me. No thanks. And I was talking to my adult friend today and she said something along the lines of "but didn't you think he was cute/kind of like him?" and then I said "yeah, but opportunities don't last forever. You gotta jump on it, or it'll pass you by. His oppurtunity has passed. I don't wait forever." That, and I'm sorta interested in something else at the moment. No comment.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I'm such a bad ass.
On a different note (mood, really). Once I was awake, I very much enjoyed having a happy puppy lay on my bed with me.
On an entirely different note: I watched Paranormal Activity today. It received an Ehhh rating from me. Which is better than blah, but definitely nowhere near OMG.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
When someone accidentally farts and is embarrased, you should, if you have one ready, let one fly as well. This is a courtesy fart. This is an opportune time for you to release since then the two fart smells will interfere and no one will discover how unbelievibly nasty your ass is.
ex: Boris farted as he bent over to pick up his shuttlecock at the badminton tournament. Shung Fe felt so bad for him that he offered up a courtesy fart. Unfortunately Shung Fe's rice and eggnoodle fart could not completely mask the liverwurst and vodka fart from Boris, and everyone had to leave the court for 15 minutes.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Also, I'm trying to get more involved in my community.
Goals: Find internship/job that focuses on getting people active in the community OR helps underprivileged students/kids/moms/etc find out that there are solutions to their seemingly bad situations. I basically want to see other people succeed, and work hard to get there. And my other pathetic goal is to pass my classes and keep going to school- keep muh head up where it belongs.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I need some support.
I need some encouragement.
I need someone to tell me to look to the bright side, keep trying, and to not become discouraged so easily. I need someone to tell me to not let my negativity get the best of me. To tell me to tell my mind to take a chill pill.
Monday, October 5, 2009
...and that's basically the event of my day. Besides the AMAZING workshop I was given the opportunity to attend and working with a fun little boy at night.
Anyways, when I was stepping out the door for school this morning my mom stopped me. "Christina! What are you wearing?"
"Do I look retarded?"
"No, you have SHOULDERS! ...you know what the boys are going to do, right?"
"Have a good day at school smart ass"
-and that's no good.
Did you know, that about 40% of those with Anorexia are between the ages of 15 and 19? And that it's becoming more prevalent for those that are older than those numbers as well? It's unsettling to see how much of our current youth population is concerned with weight, but then at the same time I'm thinking...how can they not be?
I always just think about media influences- tv, radio, magazines, billboards and anything/everything else that has a face on it. What do they talk about quite often? How big they are. What do they look like? Super skinny. Moms, Aunts, Grandmas, teachers even, talk about going on diets. I mean, some of these women probably should be on a better diet, but then what is a little girl supposed to think when their mom, who is perfect beyond perfect in their eyes, is trying to change herself? Trying to slim down?
I will admit that weight has been on my mind since last summer. Like, '08 summer. When I was the biggest I had been. ever. When I actually had to buy bigger pants because I was hanging out too much in the ones I had. I know that I was not happy about it and I paraded around and just told people "it's not the number, it's how you feel about yourself." I felt like crap. I mean, I liked myself, but I wasn't happy with my number. By any means. And that's really shallow, I know, superficial. But it got to me. So then I started not eating as much, binging when I was REALLY hungry in the middle of the night, and then not eating a lot again. Food really loses its yumminess when all you can think about is the amount of calories you're consuming. It's like, a lot of stuff just will never be worth the calories. Except for Starbuck's Tall Iced Soy Caramel Macchiato. That will always be fine.
Other than that, I will admit that I haven't been eating as well as I should be. I eat more than some of my friends, but some (a lot) of my friends are half my size. Anyways, it's bad, but I feel better about myself when I wake up and look in the mirror. You see that bone that becomes more defined as you become more skinny. Basically, more starved. My shirts started to wear differently, like better differently. And my pants, too. But you know what also disappears as you start to become skinnier? Your boobs. And if you're like me, and have been working SO hard to get what little boobage you DO have, this isn't good.
With that being said...
I'm not anorexic by any means, I'm not super skinny by any means BUT
I'm gonna start eating better: like three good meals.
I'm not going to let my stomach gargle anymore.
I'm going to start being more health conscious, but in a more healthy way.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Well, usually, I complain. I complain that we have too much shit to choose from.
But you see, I wasn't complaining about the many different types of writing utensils that I was once able to choose from. No, I was not complaining about that. I think that we should bring back the market for pens and permanent markers----where is it going?! Everywhere I go it's the same...cut backs and well, going away.
Fucking laptops and printers.
you're ruining my written world.
and by written I am referring to HANDwritten and not typed.
cut back on the many different brands of ketchup and mustard, the horribly horrible 8 X 10 paper and give us instead more notebooks of 8 1/2 x 11 college rule notebooks and fine point pens in amazing colorful colors that write so smooth and seductively. Create permanent markers that don't bleed into the other side of the paper and rid yourselves of those nasty ball point pens that aren't so ball pointy and cut into precious paper like an exacto knife.
Please, do this my lovely stores that like stationary and things that are actually important like that. Please, please, I beg you.
Fuck the condiments; Love the stationary & pens!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Yes, I set my standards high in daily activities and what pleases me and what does not.
THIS definitely was found pleasing by me.
In my pajamas (in case you were DYING to know) I did quite a few things:
- took care of my mom who was puking for the greater half of the morning. I offered her water and napkins and such.
- continued reading my new book: Lolita by Vladmir Nabokov. Yes, it's a little bit creepy and a lot of bit disturbing but extremely interesting.
- had myself a three hour nap
- ate 1 mini Cinnamon roll, 2 bags of sea salted vegetable chips, 2 chunks of a candied apple, a "kind" bar annnnnnnnnnd enjoyed a soda. oh, and had a bowl of cereal with soy milk. MMMMmmmm
- indulged in a few hours of investigative/ghost/killer tv shows
- searched future abroad jobs for next summer, possibly spring.
- overdosed on more music (a must for everyday)
I had pondered getting dressed and going to the grocery store, but I wanted to avoid as much human interaction as possible when buying my personal items and cereal. Being that I waited so long, I missed my opportunity for using the self check-out. Which I find simply outrageous. That shit should be open forever. for serious people, for serious.
Um, now I feel somewhat accomplished and will probably go to bed.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Oh, and the opening bands were all fun to watch as well. I had a great time.
And my friend was very nice for coming along as well and sharing this memorable experience with me. A grandiose thank you goes out to him.
Bands that played tonight:
Portugal. The Man (headliner)
Friday, September 25, 2009
So, friend and I went to Mae's Cafe. A 24 hour diner nestled in a little corner by an In N Out. We like new experiences and nothing can beat a 24 hr diner in the middle of the night.
I ordered what I have always pictured people from movies ordering: Steak and Eggs.
So I got a Sirloin Steak (MR) with Eggs (sunny side up), hash browns and Sourdough toast. I was elated.
Thank you friend for dining with me, it was marvelous. It made my night from shitty and F the world to extremely fun and memorable. Nothing is better than a sincere laugh- especially at midnight.
Good Night (on a better note),
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
...thinking of that gives me the jeebies. It's days like these I'm glad I'm neuro-typical.
On another note.
Today I was babysitting and we were going out on an outing to visit the little boy's grandma. I opened the car trunk to put his backpack in there and when I went to close it, I forgot to check for fingers. I guess I was preoccupied. You probably guessed it already, but I shut the trunk on little people fingers.
Did I feel bad? Yeah, I did.
It was hard to keep calm, and it was unbearable seeing him hurting. Accidents happen though, and I'm glad his fingers are ok. They don't even look bruised or anything. Little kids and healing abilities are amazing.
But anyways, I gave him a hug, said that I was sorry and then was very cautious from then on out with anything that had to be open and shut. Never again will this happen.
On another other note.
I had dinner with my dad tonight. It went quite well. We talked about human rights and information databases. It was really interesting. We stayed away from sore subjects like...our daily lives and personal conflicts and stuff. So all in all it was a pleasant experience. He leaves for business for three weeks so it'll be another long while until I see him again. Glad it left off on good terms.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
It’s always in the middle of the night that I gather all of my courage. I can do ANYTHING. It’s like I get high, or drunk, off of my life. It’s like nothing matters, but everything does. It’s like I can’t wait until the morning, so I do what I want to do RIGHT THEN, at night. Usually between the hours of 1230 and 3am. I think that that may just be the times that I am the most clear and open in my state of consciousness. There’s no bullshit with me at those times. I want what I want and I will get what I want. I always do. Or it's just when I am the most impulsive. Your call.
Tonight, after having a lovely talk with the only guy that I have permitted myself to “hook up” with I decided that I am ready to “hook up” with another guy. The guy of choice is someone I’ve been talking to for about a year now. I know he’s dropping hints all the times, it’s one of those feelings you just get. So, being that it is 1230 and I’m getting ready to sleep and the phone is right by my side, I decide to pop him a text.
To sum it up, the text went something like “I want to make out. Make it happen.” But maybe not as short and concise as that, though that would have been nice. I wish I sent that. Anyways, now that I have come out of that quick phase of “I want what I want“ of the night, I’m sitting and wondering what he’s wondering, IF he’s wondering.
Is she drunk?
Did someone else take her phone and send that?
Should I respond, or pretend I didn’t get it?
If I respond will she just say she’s kidding?
Is it a test?
I really want to hook up with her..but it’s probably not real…
Am I dreaming? (ouch!)
…is this the vicodin talking?
And I’m sure the list goes on.
My point is, however, that I should gain these kinds of nerves earlier in the day. I should be a doer and not a watcher. Not that I watch other people do what I want to do. But I should be more straightforward. I just get really frustrated with people when they don’t tell me what they want. Even though I don’t tell them what I want. They’re just supposed to know. So then even though they're indirectly telling me what they want, I pretend I don't understand, because I want them to man up and just say, or do it. I can be quite spiteful.
I’m a hypocrite.
My favorite song right now is You and I by Wilco. My favorite line is “ I don’t want to know, I don’t need to know everything about you. I don’t want to know and you don’t need to know that much about me.” It’s comforting to me. I want to be close to someone without being close to someone and just be happy. Like, just be happy being by someone and not necessarily knowing them, though knowing someone is nice. It’s just not to know and knowing that it is enough to know they know they like you. Or appreciate you at least.
Any who, lets get back to the point. I want to make out with someone. I don’t want to be slobbered on, mauled or licked (too weird). I just want a good make out session. And maybe some cuddling. With someone of my choice. I’m spoiled, what can I say. I’ll give you the sign, we’ll go to your room, and have fun. Then I will go home. And probably read. Because that’s what I like to do. I might stay longer if you have good music playing. But probably not.
Like I said, I’m spoiled.
My playlist of choice at the moment (let me know if you want me to burn you a copy):
*mellow, guitarish, soothing and what I like at the moment*
Fighter Girl- Mason Jennings
These Days- Nico
Lover her worst- Avenue of the Giants
Naked if I want to- Cat Power
Love Vigilantes- Iron & Wine
Furr- Blitzen Trapper
Pick Up the Change- Wilco
The Good Times Are Killing Me- Modest Mouse
I’ll Fly Away- Alison Kraus & Gillian Welch
A History of Lovers- Iron & Wine with Calexico
Tree Hugger- Kimya Dawson & Antsy Pants
In The Aeroplane Over the Sea- Neutral Milk Hotel
Blackbird- Sarah McLachlan
The Fairest of the Seasons- Nico
At The Zoo- Simon & Garfunkel
You and I- Wilco
Dignity- Bob Dylan
Black Leaf Falls- Sea Wolf
Lonely Road- Mason Jennings
Outta Mind (Outta Sight)- Wilco
Kingdom of the Animals- Iron & Wine
You Are My Sunshine- Norman Blake
So I wake up, get up, and check out what I’m wearing. I’m WEARING something. Sometimes, I swear, I change in my sleep. I went to bed in, well, um, nothing. Because I was too lazy to find something to throw on for sleeping in. I woke up with my black running shorts and black v-neck on. Maybe I woke up half-asleep and needing to use the bathroom and decided it wouldn’t be a bad idea to put some clothes on to scurry down the hallway in. I applaud myself.
So I got up wearing my running apparel and went straight to the computer. Gotta check my e-mail folks! I get several spam ads and non-sense, but very urgently needing to be tended to type e-mails. Then I check my blog updaters, and
My new recent decisions.
I’m never going to move out of my mom’s house, but always will complain about living with my mom.
I’m going to do CSULB parttime, and take a nonsense outside of LBSU class and get a job. Hahaha, I always say that, but it’s been a year since I’ve had a real job. I crack me up. But, no, seriously, I will get a job. I PROMISE myself I will.
I will try to be a better friend to my friends. I enjoy being alone way too much, but I need to get out and mingle with people. I go through my phases of being around people, to being by myself and then to working all the time to working never, and it goes around and around.
My goal right now is to somehow transform my secret obsession of websites into a job. Make it appealing to someone else and get moneyyyyyy (which I desperately need) ((have I ever mentioned how much I dislike money? Because I do.)) (((REALLY HATE MONEY)))
Other notes to mention.
As poor as I am, I am going to manage to save my money and visit my friend in Washington. As poor as I am I am going to watch a show every month, even if I need to go by myself. As poor as I am, I am going to update my wardrobe which consists of clothes from… a long time ago. I am going to try to not ban my dad from my life because I am super pissed at him for marrying a gold-digging blonde ----gonna stop there. I am going to join an exercise class because I have really enjoyed the process of getting back into shape.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
To me it feels welcoming, like "hey, come lay in my rubble, I'm warm and inviting" instead of "I love the dentist. Being overly sterile and smelling boring is my specialty."
...not that my room has a stench or anything. I mean, it smells like stuff, and stuff. But not...bad.
p.s.- I got to see Mason Jennings today. He was GREAT! and I got my poster signed AND a picture with him. I was shaking when he put his arm around me I was so excited. Seriously, music turns me on. I can't help it. Just talk about music and I will love you. LA LA LA LOVE you.
P.s again- On tuesday I get to get the new Sea Wolf album AND the Noisettes' album. STOKED.
Running down the street my feet found their rhythm with the help of the radio-cassette walkman that my right hand clutched so dearly. "Tonight is going to be a good night" by Black Eyed Peas just came on. Music. You can say it's my hot hot sex. Few things get me going more than music can, it's like it just settles me and while running... it's magical.
Every street I ran down was deserted besides the few cats that lurked in the shadows of gardens and gutters, waiting to make their escape. Maybe that's why I enjoyed this run so much- nobody is around. To get away from the constant supervision, the cast of looks and stares, it's well, it's nice. Lately I've wanted to go under the radar, not be detected, incognito...vanish. I wish to exist, just not as much in the public eye. I want to do my thing and have only me and who I'm doing whatever with aware of it. I want a quiet, private life. I'm yearning for it. This run was satisfying that need. Aside from my mom (who I told I was leaving to run), nobody knew I was there, nobody knew I was about. And it was heavenly.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I had the best of times in Washington hanging out with my best friend. It was worth the flight and sitting and money. I got to meet her friends, see her work, and live the life for about...three days. I am glad, more than glad. I can't wait until the next time.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
- run in the neighborhood for as long or short as I want that feels good or is challenging enough
- situps/crunchies/leg lifts/weird workouts
- dance on the wall outside as a cool down
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I've also been really happy because I get to see my best friend on FRIIIIIDAAAAAAAY in Washington, the state. I hear it's going to be very cold. Like, very VERY cold. I was told to bring a heavy jacket- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (good luck to meeee)
On another note.
I've just been happy.
I'm glad school started.
I'm excited to only be taking two classes.
My favorite reading sections have expanded from Biography to Psychology and the likes.
Lets see what happens this week!
Oh, and yesterday I watched Paper Heart, finally! I said it was 7.5/10. It wasn't what I was expecting, but still very insightful and funny about the stuff pertaining to love. It was so awkward that I felt normal. (you can stop laughing now)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Run down the hall; walk by the pool.
Read a book, but not in the dark.
Buy coffee, drink water, wash your hands.
Day in, day out.
Let it come and let it go.
A relatively unimportant day, yet it left such an imprint on me. I bought some "basic" clothing, a cd, books (recreational ones), coffee and chatted to friends as well as ran (literally ran) away from others. Sometimes I don't make sense. Like, how I can have such an attraction to someone I've only met select times and now lives on the other side of the states, and don't have a care in the world for those that are here and wanting to talk to me. Not that the other one doesn't want to talk to me. It's more of, well, I actually don't know.
When I want something I really want it. Sometimes I try to want things or feelings because I feel pressured by others who look at me like I'm a freak for not really wanting them (the feelings and things). I don't get pressured easily, it has to really build on me, and I don't like it when I give in to pressure. It leaves me with a genuinely disgusting feeling. Like the feeling of kissing someone that you don't like. It doesn't feel good, I don't know why people do it.
At the bookstore that I ended up at tonight, I delved into a book about inner conflicts. A lady was talking about how she was raised in the 50's which was more conservative and then had her growing up experience during the 60's. She felt twisted during the 60's. The feeling of what to do, what to be, or believe in- be conservative, get married and live your life quaint or go out and fuck everyone and live life day to day, night to night. I sort of have the same inner conflict.
Now I'm getting ready for another day of school tomorrow.