Tuesday, September 22, 2009
It’s always in the middle of the night that I gather all of my courage. I can do ANYTHING. It’s like I get high, or drunk, off of my life. It’s like nothing matters, but everything does. It’s like I can’t wait until the morning, so I do what I want to do RIGHT THEN, at night. Usually between the hours of 1230 and 3am. I think that that may just be the times that I am the most clear and open in my state of consciousness. There’s no bullshit with me at those times. I want what I want and I will get what I want. I always do. Or it's just when I am the most impulsive. Your call.
Tonight, after having a lovely talk with the only guy that I have permitted myself to “hook up” with I decided that I am ready to “hook up” with another guy. The guy of choice is someone I’ve been talking to for about a year now. I know he’s dropping hints all the times, it’s one of those feelings you just get. So, being that it is 1230 and I’m getting ready to sleep and the phone is right by my side, I decide to pop him a text.
To sum it up, the text went something like “I want to make out. Make it happen.” But maybe not as short and concise as that, though that would have been nice. I wish I sent that. Anyways, now that I have come out of that quick phase of “I want what I want“ of the night, I’m sitting and wondering what he’s wondering, IF he’s wondering.
Is she drunk?
Did someone else take her phone and send that?
Should I respond, or pretend I didn’t get it?
If I respond will she just say she’s kidding?
Is it a test?
I really want to hook up with her..but it’s probably not real…
Am I dreaming? (ouch!)
…is this the vicodin talking?
And I’m sure the list goes on.
My point is, however, that I should gain these kinds of nerves earlier in the day. I should be a doer and not a watcher. Not that I watch other people do what I want to do. But I should be more straightforward. I just get really frustrated with people when they don’t tell me what they want. Even though I don’t tell them what I want. They’re just supposed to know. So then even though they're indirectly telling me what they want, I pretend I don't understand, because I want them to man up and just say, or do it. I can be quite spiteful.
I’m a hypocrite.
My favorite song right now is You and I by Wilco. My favorite line is “ I don’t want to know, I don’t need to know everything about you. I don’t want to know and you don’t need to know that much about me.” It’s comforting to me. I want to be close to someone without being close to someone and just be happy. Like, just be happy being by someone and not necessarily knowing them, though knowing someone is nice. It’s just not to know and knowing that it is enough to know they know they like you. Or appreciate you at least.
Any who, lets get back to the point. I want to make out with someone. I don’t want to be slobbered on, mauled or licked (too weird). I just want a good make out session. And maybe some cuddling. With someone of my choice. I’m spoiled, what can I say. I’ll give you the sign, we’ll go to your room, and have fun. Then I will go home. And probably read. Because that’s what I like to do. I might stay longer if you have good music playing. But probably not.
Like I said, I’m spoiled.
My playlist of choice at the moment (let me know if you want me to burn you a copy):
*mellow, guitarish, soothing and what I like at the moment*
Fighter Girl- Mason Jennings
These Days- Nico
Lover her worst- Avenue of the Giants
Naked if I want to- Cat Power
Love Vigilantes- Iron & Wine
Furr- Blitzen Trapper
Pick Up the Change- Wilco
The Good Times Are Killing Me- Modest Mouse
I’ll Fly Away- Alison Kraus & Gillian Welch
A History of Lovers- Iron & Wine with Calexico
Tree Hugger- Kimya Dawson & Antsy Pants
In The Aeroplane Over the Sea- Neutral Milk Hotel
Blackbird- Sarah McLachlan
The Fairest of the Seasons- Nico
At The Zoo- Simon & Garfunkel
You and I- Wilco
Dignity- Bob Dylan
Black Leaf Falls- Sea Wolf
Lonely Road- Mason Jennings
Outta Mind (Outta Sight)- Wilco
Kingdom of the Animals- Iron & Wine
You Are My Sunshine- Norman Blake