Wednesday, September 30, 2009

[please excuse my language]

A country made upon choice. We get to choose everything. Choose health care, insurance, housing, cars, sandwiches, ketchup, mustard, clothing, and the list goes on. We have so many options. We are a country based upon capitalism; business. If we can sell something, you bet that there will be MANY businesses trying to sell the (basically) same thing, just packaged and marketed differently. [ramble goes on]

Well, usually, I complain. I complain that we have too much shit to choose from.

But you see, I wasn't complaining about the many different types of writing utensils that I was once able to choose from. No, I was not complaining about that. I think that we should bring back the market for pens and permanent markers----where is it going?! Everywhere I go it's the same...cut backs and well, going away.

Fucking laptops and printers.
you're ruining my written world.
and by written I am referring to HANDwritten and not typed. this.

Dear stores/companies,
cut back on the many different brands of ketchup and mustard, the horribly horrible 8 X 10 paper and give us instead more notebooks of 8 1/2 x 11 college rule notebooks and fine point pens in amazing colorful colors that write so smooth and seductively. Create permanent markers that don't bleed into the other side of the paper and rid yourselves of those nasty ball point pens that aren't so ball pointy and cut into precious paper like an exacto knife.

Please, do this my lovely stores that like stationary and things that are actually important like that. Please, please, I beg you.

Fuck the condiments; Love the stationary & pens!

p.s.- this was all brought on by one bad trip to Rite Aid/Staples where the selection of everything that I enjoy buying was in bad shape- pens & paper. Where the FUCK did you go?!

yours truly,


Monday, September 28, 2009

Today I prided myself in staying in pajamas for a complete 24 hours. And yes, I did wait up for the 24hr mark so that I could post this without it being a lie. And no, I did not shower today because then I would have to take my pajamas off and THAT would be a deal breaker in my ultimate goal of the day. Showering can wait, we're on MY time right now. MY. TIME. (!!!)

Yes, I set my standards high in daily activities and what pleases me and what does not.
THIS definitely was found pleasing by me.

In my pajamas (in case you were DYING to know) I did quite a few things:
  • took care of my mom who was puking for the greater half of the morning. I offered her water and napkins and such.
  • continued reading my new book: Lolita by Vladmir Nabokov. Yes, it's a little bit creepy and a lot of bit disturbing but extremely interesting.
  • had myself a three hour nap
  • ate 1 mini Cinnamon roll, 2 bags of sea salted vegetable chips, 2 chunks of a candied apple, a "kind" bar annnnnnnnnnd enjoyed a soda. oh, and had a bowl of cereal with soy milk. MMMMmmmm
  • indulged in a few hours of investigative/ghost/killer tv shows
  • searched future abroad jobs for next summer, possibly spring.
  • overdosed on more music (a must for everyday)

I had pondered getting dressed and going to the grocery store, but I wanted to avoid as much human interaction as possible when buying my personal items and cereal. Being that I waited so long, I missed my opportunity for using the self check-out. Which I find simply outrageous. That shit should be open forever. for serious people, for serious.

Um, now I feel somewhat accomplished and will probably go to bed.

thank you,


Sunday, September 27, 2009

Portugal. The Man.

I got to experience the Portugal The Man LIVE this wonderful evening. We'll keep it short. Amazing light show. Spectacular guitar riffs. Energy that picks you up and keeps you kicking for HOURS. and the audience was fun. and really high. and delightful/friendly. which I liked. I truly enjoy going to shows and meeting moppy headed guys that want to "rub elbows" with me the entire show hahahaha :)

Oh, and the opening bands were all fun to watch as well. I had a great time.

And my friend was very nice for coming along as well and sharing this memorable experience with me. A grandiose thank you goes out to him.

Bands that played tonight:
Portugal. The Man (headliner)
Robert Francis
Drug Rug

Friday, September 25, 2009

you can come back now, both of you.

So, friend and I went to Mae's Cafe. A 24 hour diner nestled in a little corner by an In N Out. We like new experiences and nothing can beat a 24 hr diner in the middle of the night.

I ordered what I have always pictured people from movies ordering: Steak and Eggs.
So I got a Sirloin Steak (MR) with Eggs (sunny side up), hash browns and Sourdough toast. I was elated.

Thank you friend for dining with me, it was marvelous. It made my night from shitty and F the world to extremely fun and memorable. Nothing is better than a sincere laugh- especially at midnight.

Good Night (on a better note),

Thursday, September 24, 2009


You can't tell (probably) but I'm super pissed. So, if you didn't know, I'm super pissed. Thank god for having an amazing friend that will drag himself out of his comforting room and come out with me on a midnight adventure.

I'd die.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

While I was driving home today I was thinking how it must really suck to grow up not knowing how to use the restroom by yourself and being confined to a diaper. Add to that explosive diarrhea. It must really suck to get explosive diarrhea and have to sit in it all warm and gross until someone tends to you. But then I was also thinking, would you mind it as much if you don't have a concept of discomfort and don't know anything else?

...thinking of that gives me the jeebies. It's days like these I'm glad I'm neuro-typical.

On another note.
Today I was babysitting and we were going out on an outing to visit the little boy's grandma. I opened the car trunk to put his backpack in there and when I went to close it, I forgot to check for fingers. I guess I was preoccupied. You probably guessed it already, but I shut the trunk on little people fingers.

Did I feel bad? Yeah, I did.
It was hard to keep calm, and it was unbearable seeing him hurting. Accidents happen though, and I'm glad his fingers are ok. They don't even look bruised or anything. Little kids and healing abilities are amazing.

But anyways, I gave him a hug, said that I was sorry and then was very cautious from then on out with anything that had to be open and shut. Never again will this happen.

On another other note.
I had dinner with my dad tonight. It went quite well. We talked about human rights and information databases. It was really interesting. We stayed away from sore subjects like...our daily lives and personal conflicts and stuff. So all in all it was a pleasant experience. He leaves for business for three weeks so it'll be another long while until I see him again. Glad it left off on good terms.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I changed my mind.

Tonight's Ramble.

It’s always in the middle of the night that I gather all of my courage. I can do ANYTHING. It’s like I get high, or drunk, off of my life. It’s like nothing matters, but everything does. It’s like I can’t wait until the morning, so I do what I want to do RIGHT THEN, at night. Usually between the hours of 1230 and 3am. I think that that may just be the times that I am the most clear and open in my state of consciousness. There’s no bullshit with me at those times. I want what I want and I will get what I want. I always do. Or it's just when I am the most impulsive. Your call.

Tonight, after having a lovely talk with the only guy that I have permitted myself to “hook up” with I decided that I am ready to “hook up” with another guy. The guy of choice is someone I’ve been talking to for about a year now. I know he’s dropping hints all the times, it’s one of those feelings you just get. So, being that it is 1230 and I’m getting ready to sleep and the phone is right by my side, I decide to pop him a text.

To sum it up, the text went something like “I want to make out. Make it happen.” But maybe not as short and concise as that, though that would have been nice. I wish I sent that. Anyways, now that I have come out of that quick phase of “I want what I want“ of the night, I’m sitting and wondering what he’s wondering, IF he’s wondering.

Is she drunk?
Did someone else take her phone and send that?
Should I respond, or pretend I didn’t get it?
If I respond will she just say she’s kidding?
Is it a test?
I really want to hook up with her..but it’s probably not real…
Am I dreaming? (ouch!)
…is this the vicodin talking?

And I’m sure the list goes on.

My point is, however, that I should gain these kinds of nerves earlier in the day. I should be a doer and not a watcher. Not that I watch other people do what I want to do. But I should be more straightforward. I just get really frustrated with people when they don’t tell me what they want. Even though I don’t tell them what I want. They’re just supposed to know. So then even though they're indirectly telling me what they want, I pretend I don't understand, because I want them to man up and just say, or do it. I can be quite spiteful.

I’m a hypocrite.

My favorite song right now is You and I by Wilco. My favorite line is “ I don’t want to know, I don’t need to know everything about you. I don’t want to know and you don’t need to know that much about me.” It’s comforting to me. I want to be close to someone without being close to someone and just be happy. Like, just be happy being by someone and not necessarily knowing them, though knowing someone is nice. It’s just not to know and knowing that it is enough to know they know they like you. Or appreciate you at least.

Any who, lets get back to the point. I want to make out with someone. I don’t want to be slobbered on, mauled or licked (too weird). I just want a good make out session. And maybe some cuddling. With someone of my choice. I’m spoiled, what can I say. I’ll give you the sign, we’ll go to your room, and have fun. Then I will go home. And probably read. Because that’s what I like to do. I might stay longer if you have good music playing. But probably not.

Like I said, I’m spoiled.

Good night,

My playlist of choice at the moment (let me know if you want me to burn you a copy):
*mellow, guitarish, soothing and what I like at the moment*

Fighter Girl- Mason Jennings
These Days- Nico
Lover her worst- Avenue of the Giants
Naked if I want to- Cat Power
Love Vigilantes- Iron & Wine
Furr- Blitzen Trapper
Pick Up the Change- Wilco
The Good Times Are Killing Me- Modest Mouse
I’ll Fly Away- Alison Kraus & Gillian Welch
A History of Lovers- Iron & Wine with Calexico
Tree Hugger- Kimya Dawson & Antsy Pants
In The Aeroplane Over the Sea- Neutral Milk Hotel
Blackbird- Sarah McLachlan
The Fairest of the Seasons- Nico
At The Zoo- Simon & Garfunkel
You and I- Wilco
Dignity- Bob Dylan
Black Leaf Falls- Sea Wolf
Lonely Road- Mason Jennings
Outta Mind (Outta Sight)- Wilco
Kingdom of the Animals- Iron & Wine
You Are My Sunshine- Norman Blake

Found In the Archives From Earlier In summer. Much of it still rings true.

A relaxing morning. Say what? You don’t think I have those? Well, think again! Waking up at 9:47am, I decided to linger in my bed for an additional thirteen minutes to make it 10am. None of those messy “ I woke up at 9:47”’s for me, aight?

So I wake up, get up, and check out what I’m wearing. I’m WEARING something. Sometimes, I swear, I change in my sleep. I went to bed in, well, um, nothing. Because I was too lazy to find something to throw on for sleeping in. I woke up with my black running shorts and black v-neck on. Maybe I woke up half-asleep and needing to use the bathroom and decided it wouldn’t be a bad idea to put some clothes on to scurry down the hallway in. I applaud myself.

So I got up wearing my running apparel and went straight to the computer. Gotta check my e-mail folks! I get several spam ads and non-sense, but very urgently needing to be tended to type e-mails. Then I check my blog updaters, and

My new recent decisions.

I’m never going to move out of my mom’s house, but always will complain about living with my mom.

I’m going to do CSULB parttime, and take a nonsense outside of LBSU class and get a job. Hahaha, I always say that, but it’s been a year since I’ve had a real job. I crack me up. But, no, seriously, I will get a job. I PROMISE myself I will.

I will try to be a better friend to my friends. I enjoy being alone way too much, but I need to get out and mingle with people. I go through my phases of being around people, to being by myself and then to working all the time to working never, and it goes around and around.

My goal right now is to somehow transform my secret obsession of websites into a job. Make it appealing to someone else and get moneyyyyyy (which I desperately need) ((have I ever mentioned how much I dislike money? Because I do.)) (((REALLY HATE MONEY)))

Other notes to mention.
As poor as I am, I am going to manage to save my money and visit my friend in Washington. As poor as I am I am going to watch a show every month, even if I need to go by myself. As poor as I am, I am going to update my wardrobe which consists of clothes from… a long time ago. I am going to try to not ban my dad from my life because I am super pissed at him for marrying a gold-digging blonde ----gonna stop there. I am going to join an exercise class because I have really enjoyed the process of getting back into shape.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I hate cleaning my room, and my car for that matter. I like the clutter and mess. The things upon things scattered every which way.

To me it feels welcoming, like "hey, come lay in my rubble, I'm warm and inviting" instead of "I love the dentist. Being overly sterile and smelling boring is my specialty."

...not that my room has a stench or anything. I mean, it smells like stuff, and stuff. But not...bad.

p.s.- I got to see Mason Jennings today. He was GREAT! and I got my poster signed AND a picture with him. I was shaking when he put his arm around me I was so excited. Seriously, music turns me on. I can't help it. Just talk about music and I will love you. LA LA LA LOVE you.

P.s again- On tuesday I get to get the new Sea Wolf album AND the Noisettes' album. STOKED.
Right, left, right, left, right, left. I was beginning to tire but at the same time starting to feel awake and alive. Usually a little weary of being alone outside in the night, tonight I felt safe. The moon was shining brightly, casting its light on my path and creating a strong feeling of security.

Running down the street my feet found their rhythm with the help of the radio-cassette walkman that my right hand clutched so dearly. "Tonight is going to be a good night" by Black Eyed Peas just came on. Music. You can say it's my hot hot sex. Few things get me going more than music can, it's like it just settles me and while running... it's magical.

Every street I ran down was deserted besides the few cats that lurked in the shadows of gardens and gutters, waiting to make their escape. Maybe that's why I enjoyed this run so much- nobody is around. To get away from the constant supervision, the cast of looks and stares, it's well, it's nice. Lately I've wanted to go under the radar, not be detected, incognito...vanish. I wish to exist, just not as much in the public eye. I want to do my thing and have only me and who I'm doing whatever with aware of it. I want a quiet, private life. I'm yearning for it. This run was satisfying that need. Aside from my mom (who I told I was leaving to run), nobody knew I was there, nobody knew I was about. And it was heavenly.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Perks of Being a Wallflower

Some popular quotes I pulled:

So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.

It’s much easier not to know things sometimes. And to have french fries with your mom be enough.

Sometimes, i look outside, and i think that a lot of other people have seen this snow before. Just like i think that a lot of other people have read those books before. And listened to those songs.I wonder how they feel tonight.

I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn’t try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.

Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life.

I am very interested and fascinated how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other.

It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder? What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.

Everyone else is either asleep or having sex. I've been watching cable television and eating jello.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Viva la friendship!

I had the best of times in Washington hanging out with my best friend. It was worth the flight and sitting and money. I got to meet her friends, see her work, and live the life for about...three days. I am glad, more than glad. I can't wait until the next time.

hope that everyone had a great weekend!
Peace out,

Thursday, September 10, 2009

This time tomorrow I will be in Washington, the state. It's starting to sink in. I'm starting to get nervous. But I am DEFINITELY ready to see my friend!!!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

My late-night nightly ritual (when I'm home):
  • run in the neighborhood for as long or short as I want that feels good or is challenging enough
  • situps/crunchies/leg lifts/weird workouts
  • dance on the wall outside as a cool down

...all the while jamming out to the walkman radio/mixed cassette tape (yes, cassette)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

7th grade YMCA team chant, we were the Rubber Duckies

"Don't mess, don't mess, don't mess with the best because the best don't mess! Don't fool, don't fool, don't fool with the cool because the cool don't fool! B-E-A-T, beat 'em, b-u-s-t bust em. Beat 'em Bust 'em that's our custom GOOOO Rubber Duckies" - Camp Cheer from 7th grade
(I didn't take this picture, obviously.)

Happiness. I am exuding it, often. More often than I was before. Before being summer. My other favorite friend is back in the LBC and it really puts me at a greater ease. To have that friend where you can just lounge and sit and do stuff but not have to do stuff- that's what a great friend is to me. So, I've been really happy.

I've also been really happy because I get to see my best friend on FRIIIIIDAAAAAAAY in Washington, the state. I hear it's going to be very cold. Like, very VERY cold. I was told to bring a heavy jacket- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (good luck to meeee)

On another note.
I've just been happy.
I'm glad school started.
I'm excited to only be taking two classes.
My favorite reading sections have expanded from Biography to Psychology and the likes.

Lets see what happens this week!

Oh, and yesterday I watched Paper Heart, finally! I said it was 7.5/10. It wasn't what I was expecting, but still very insightful and funny about the stuff pertaining to love. It was so awkward that I felt normal. (you can stop laughing now)

Catch y'alls round,

Monday, September 7, 2009

so one day I'll fly away?

Thursday, September 3, 2009

One day I will learn to not scare people with my brutal honesty. Until then, please, bare with me.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

close your eyes, open them.
Run down the hall; walk by the pool.
Read a book, but not in the dark.
Buy coffee, drink water, wash your hands.

Day in, day out.
Let it come and let it go.

A relatively unimportant day, yet it left such an imprint on me. I bought some "basic" clothing, a cd, books (recreational ones), coffee and chatted to friends as well as ran (literally ran) away from others. Sometimes I don't make sense. Like, how I can have such an attraction to someone I've only met select times and now lives on the other side of the states, and don't have a care in the world for those that are here and wanting to talk to me. Not that the other one doesn't want to talk to me. It's more of, well, I actually don't know.

When I want something I really want it. Sometimes I try to want things or feelings because I feel pressured by others who look at me like I'm a freak for not really wanting them (the feelings and things). I don't get pressured easily, it has to really build on me, and I don't like it when I give in to pressure. It leaves me with a genuinely disgusting feeling. Like the feeling of kissing someone that you don't like. It doesn't feel good, I don't know why people do it.

At the bookstore that I ended up at tonight, I delved into a book about inner conflicts. A lady was talking about how she was raised in the 50's which was more conservative and then had her growing up experience during the 60's. She felt twisted during the 60's. The feeling of what to do, what to be, or believe in- be conservative, get married and live your life quaint or go out and fuck everyone and live life day to day, night to night. I sort of have the same inner conflict.

Now I'm getting ready for another day of school tomorrow.
Good night my friends,

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

oh the relationships that take place on, over and through one backyard wall...

...thank you disposable camera for taking such nice images.
Dear school,

I enjoyed you very much today.
I think I like you in small doses.

Yours truly,
I'm slowly going to start posting Noisettes videos I recorded at Fingerprints a month ago. Enjoy :)

Wild Young Hearts by The Noisettes