Friday, November 6, 2009

I don't like not understanding things so I spend hours upon hours trying to sort ideas and concepts into possible constructs. Somehow I will make sense of it. Somehow I will create logic and understanding. The problem is, I create so many different scenarios and half of them are negative and half of them are positive. Which to choose as my solution? Which to believe? The facts provide for both sides, so it's hard to be swayed either direction. It's hard to know. It's a difficult process, making sense of stuff, and stuff.

Lately my life has been spinning. Round and around and I don't know when I should just STOP! and put my feet back on the ground and center my head. Am I being stupid? Selfish? Foolish? Naive? I want to know. Am I being good to myself? Giving myself credit? Making steps to grow as a person?

Then because I've been thinking about how things fit into one another, I started thinking about relationships. I don't understand them. And I'm frustrated. I mean, obviously I've never quite been there and partly because I don't see the point. I can take care of myself, I have friends, I am content doing things by myself or with other friends. So then I think of what I would do with a boyfriend. Is it just clinging to one another? Is it just having someone to pester when you want? I don't like the idea of becoming attached to someone but I do like the idea of having someone to lean on.

Then because I was thinking about that stuff I started thinking about my personality. I don't want to be manipulative. I don't want to out think someone into thinking that they like me when they don't. I don't want to create a false environment, and I don't think I am doing that, or if I even really have that ability, but it's one of my thoughts. I don't want to do that.

From there my thoughts moved to what happens if someone is liking me for all the wrong reasons? You think I am cute. Cool. You think I'm innocent. Cool. You think that I am intelligent. Cool. But is that what people are supposed to like you for? I'm not sure. Is that what I really am? I'm not so sure.

But what I think it boils down to is that I am scared out of my mind for trying something new. For going against a lot of peoples' ideas of "right" and "wrong" and doing (for once) what I really REALLY want to do. It's scary to put yourself out on the line and be vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable. It's leaving yourself available to get hurt, and getting hurt hurts. As strong as I am, I'm not that strong to wear I can endure more and MORE hurt.

I'm worried that I am going to start comparing everything to everything else that has happened to me. Creating meaning and significance out of nothing, and not taking meaning out of things that actually mean something. I recently learned in one of my classes that when you over react to something it isn't necessarily about whatever just happened to you, but that you are reliving a past moment that upset or hurt you.

Something that I am particularly sensitive to is when people say that they are going to do something and then they never do it. That they "don't have time" or "don't know how" because I grew up with that being said to me all the time. It created a drive within me to always fulfill what I said I would do and be there for my friends all the time no matter what. If I don't know how, I will learn how. I never "don't have time", because I will make time. So when someone tells me that they didn't have time to call it really hurts me. It scares me. Does that mean you're never going to have time and that I'm not ever going to be a priority. You make time for things you like. That's my mindset. If you smoke and run out of cigarettes and really need a cigarette, I am positive that you will find a cigarette. If you really like someone, you will find a way to get in contact and make them feel good. Especially if they're doing that for you. Anyways, I'm sensitive about that. I don't want that to be a problem. I'm worried that it's going to be a problem.

Other than that,
I think life is ok.
I mean, besides the going out of my mind with constant thoughts.
And falling behind in school because I'd rather be making sense of things then studying for retarded tests.

eh, I'm having good times and just need one good positive thought at a time.

Yours truly,
Scatter Brained Christina

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