Saturday, March 21, 2009

trickling tears

The tears are building. Congregating. I can feel them getting ready to trickle down the sides of my face. I'm preparing myself; getting ready to pretend that I am not upset, that it doesn't bother me, that I am beyond it. I cannot stand it when people see me upset. Partly because I don't like showing others the power they may have on my emotions, but mostly because it doesn't do myself or anyone else any good. I bite the insides of my cheeks, look up, and take a deep breath. Calm down. Calm down. It's not bad, you have been through worse. The back of my throat starts to hurt as it tenses, as I catch the sob that wants to come out. I want to try to smile, but I can't.

I pull back.

The only way to feel better is to be vacant. Empty the emotion. Revert to numbness. The numbness you have mastered over the years.

I looked across the table. Wrong move. He's staring directly into your eyes, he's scoping you out and now you've been found.

"I'm fine, I promise"

No wonder people are scared of you. You wear your emotions too vividly on your face, in your body, in the tone of your voice. Your soul just leaks right on out. It leaves you incapable of fooling people. The trickery, deception and conniving abilities are swept out from under you.

I get into my car and sit there for awhile, fumbling with my ipod. Things can get better. Things WILL get better. You just have to wait. Wait for something better to come along. Pick yourself up out of the dumps. Find a happy place.

I'm scared that I am incapable of certain things.
I'm scared that my little sister is moving out of the house into a life of chaos and that she's going to fall apart.
I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to handle it.

*written March 21*

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