...How does that make you different?
Well, did you grow up thinking about giant telephone poles falling onto you, imagining cars splattering into you and leaving your remains on walls, or crows swooping down and gouging out your eyeballs while walking to elementary school? No? Just me?
With as keen an interest as I have in people, you would think Id learn how to assimilate better. But I haven't. I am an individual stuck among the masses. I am a seemingly perky person that lives ina colorfully dark room and has bright flowery demonic thoughts. I look to the future in the most optimistically morbid way. And to tell you the complete truth, I don't know how I've lasted this long. And I don't know how people get the impression of me that they have. It just does not add up.
I'm messed up.
Don't talk down on yourself.
Oh, right. Let me live in denial.
No, not denial. Everyone has issues Christina.
Do you talk to yourself in your head all day?
Have you not allowed people to like you for the past twenty years?
Are your moods rapidly changing leaving you to pick up the pieces and find a happy place?
Can you say that you have wanted to die but refused to let your yourself because- never mind.
You say you have wanted to die?
I have. I usually make jokes about dying, but I'm probably almost always serious about it in the back of my head. I am abnormally tired of living. I won't ever try to kill myself though, please know that.
And why is that?
Pretty much. That, and I know my life isn't half bad. I have no reason to complain, I rarely, if ever, do. It's better to look to the optimistic, sunny side of life. That's what I do. But I remain constantly aware of the less than sunny side as well. I think that's important. Balance. To know the truth, but to live as if you don't. It helps me to make good decisions.
So what has been bothering you, you came for a reason. I assume...
Well, yeah. I need guidance, but the kind that's hidden because I need to make my own decisions now. I'm trying to get off my emotional crutch- I've been handicapped for far too long now. I'm trying to kick the crutches out from under my side. It can be a bit hard. I find myself leaning constantly. But I'm ready to fall. I don't need crutches anymore.
Alright, well here's the deal. I met this guy and initially I decided to not give a shit about him. I thought he was trying to be too funny. I took it as him trying to cover his insecurities by making an ass of himself. I guess that's because that's how I sometimes cover-up my insecurities. Anyway, that was my first week of actually knowing him besides the previous introductory passing by phrases. Back to the point. I decided that everyone has their weak points and that I could look at it as being a quirk. I have plenty of quirks. Everyone is allowed them. So I moved past his constantly trying to be funny ways. I decided I wanted to like him. I decided I wanted to get past my first hurtle in life. I decided I wanted to try to be vulnerable. I mean, exposing yourself is good, creating room to get your feelings stomped on can only make you stronger, right? Right. Right. That's what I told myself anyway.
So I went on that first outing. I let down my guard, I had a fun time, but I couldn't decide if he was trying to play me or not. That night ended with me at his front door, him asking me if I wanted to go inside. I said no. In my head I was thinking YES, but I actually said no. It was probably an invitation for a get to know each other hook-up, and I wanted to see him again and if I went in that would ruin all chances of that. It would ruin my chances because I have never hooked up with anyone and... I don't know. Wasn't my thing. So I went home.
Annnnnnnyways, my problems later consisted of suffocating the other person into liking me and me being a newb. You can't make people like you, and you can't let the other person know how newbie you are until they see how cool you are or else they run for the door. Or so I've learned.
Well, did you let your walls down?
Yep. I ended up kissing him. I mean, it took me like, three weeks, but it was definitely one wall down. AND, I let him touch my actual body. That was another wall.
And Why were these walls up? Most people have moved past that by the time they're out of high school.
Oh, I'm perfectly aware of that. Thanks for throwing salt into my open and very vulnerable wounds. I think I never let people touch me because I felt like a lot of girls became tools for male satisfaction. They gave themselves up. THAT one bit of them became their identity. I didn't want to become a tool, and I didn't want to lobby off my identity as a person. I wanted to be able to enjoy whatever I decided to do while still being myself. AND I didn't want to be used. I didn't want to be on a "hit it then quit it" list. That has always been one of my fears. I guess you can say I don't have very high esteem when it comes to this part of my life. I have never really thought that I am good enough to keep, to be wanted. But I'm not property. Ugh, I'm just really confused when it comes down to this stuff. Distraught, now, really.
Yeah. I kept hitting it (not that way) and he kept letting me, still does, but I don't know why. I should stop hitting it. Maybe if I stopped that would give him the chance, if he wanted to, to hit me! But I can tell he's really confused. We share that in common. Confusion. Both extremely intelligent, but very lost in ourselves, not knowing where we belong in this wonderful monstrosity of a world.
have you seen that episode of Malcolm in the Middle where Malcolm is really stressed out and he starts to bite on his tongue instead of saying everything he wants to say because people get mad at what he says? But eventually he becomes even more stressed out by not saying what he wants to say and he opens his mouth to say what he wanted to say and blood comes gushing out? And he ends up in the hospital and being slightly psychotic?
I haven't seen that, but go on.
Oh. Well, I can relate to Malcolm. I guess that was my only point.
What are you thinking now?
I'm thinking that it's ok to be upset, but it's not ok to let it rule my life.
Good. A lot of people don't think about that. Lets change subjects. What else is going on in your life that you'd like to share?
My Geology teacher made some good digs at some stupid people in our class today. They didn't even know, it zoomed right over their heads. I had a good laugh at that. Umm, my friend Aaron is my walk to class buddy. I find it very enjoyable to speak with him in the morning. What else... I've been wearing flip flops now. I got over how my feet look- they aren't half bad. I feel more confident in my body. I feel pretty and I feel good about myself. I've finally fully achieved one of my goals I set in high school.
Congratulations! That's good.
Yeah, thanks. I'm kind of really proud of myself.
You should be.