Thursday, July 30, 2009

u nO l!K3 w3N ii wRiiT3 LiiK3 dii$ ?

well get used to it. people. yes. get used to it. that/this is my future.

I have yet to pay for school- that's what happens when you have a dad that is marrying a mad woman (although nice ((at times)) and cool ((with certain things)), she sucks ((usually))). My life is going down a shit hole. Please, excuse my bad language. It is, though. I am losing my dad, I am uncertain if I get to go to school this semester as a result (he said he would pay for it and then "SHE" pulled the plug), my eyesight is poor and I feel overall very belligerent and well, mean.

Trying to keep my sanity consists of listening to music in unhealthy doses, writing non-sensical journal entries, and eating chocolate chip pancakes in the middle of the night with friends that don't know (maybe slightly aware) that I am amid a psychotic break.

Dosing in and of out sanity. That is what my life is. It's like sleep. I pinch myself. I do a mood evaluation. Am I feeling happy? sad? Stable? needing to be around people? retreating and being by myself? I don't like to admit it, but I have been crying a lot. I just feel overall, a lot of the time, very sad. A lot of people wouldn't get that,or guess that, but I have been. I have been very sad.

Fun Fact: I laugh the most when I am *hurting* on the inside. When I feel like I am going to cry, and am in public, I'll probably laugh. I will laugh a lot. It not only makes you uncomfortable, but me as well. And that's life.

Today I made my grandpa eat lunch with me. We ate at the Secret Spot. DELICIOUS. He payed for it too, and that pleased me. My grandpa has Alzheimer's though, and it makes me sad. He stares intently at the streets we go down and says "I've never been down this street before" when he has. I asked him while driving down another street why he was looking so hard and he told me "I want to remember it so I can tell 'ma where to go, so I can come back here" and that made me very sad. It's saddening to have a grandpa that can't remember stuff for too long.

Tonight I dragged my grandparents to the movies with me. We watched 500 Days of Summer. I loved it, and it made my life make sense a little bit more. I felt at ease I'm going to go watch it again. I am. My poor little grandma kept falling asleep, and I felt obligated to wake her up during the really good parts. I felt bad, but I thought it was necessary. My grandpa loved it.

I came home, my big sister was there, I went to the bathroom and soon there was a knock at the door. I had only been a second! I instantly yelled "I AM GOING NUMBER TWO!" and she left me alone. That's how it works in my home. It doesn't matter if you are or are not using the bathroom for number two, if you need space you either say THAT or turn on the vent. Your choice.

Hm, what else.
Work has been fun.
I want to work at a 24 hour diner and get the graveyard shift.
I look forward to playing with my grandma's cat, Boots. He is very nice and mean at the same time. I love it.
I don't know what I want in relationships, I realized that. Long story. Keep it short. I'm scared to make up my mind with anything. We'll delve into that later.

i Luv U, k33P !t k3WL pPL
<3 Christina

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