Sunday, March 14, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I've had an abundance of thoughts lately. Thoughts that are just beyond my words to describe to the point that I am ready to give up on thoughts. Thoughts run a muck through my brain and bring back memories I've fought hard not to relive.
I just got out of the shower and I realized that I am actually scared to reminisce. Scared! Who'd a thunk that?! I am now acknowledging that I am in fact scared to remember because I am scared to relive the emotions and the bad thoughts I was having during those past points in my life. It's silly, but it's my reality. But I find my strength in knowing that I am scared of that, because I don't let it ruin my life. I just tell myself happy thoughts and work with and move beyond it. Because really, I don't think it does anything to forget or repress thoughts and emotions. It's better to acknowledge, accept and grow and move forward.
Anyways. I was taking my shower and I realized that I remembered my dream from last night!
I was going on a hike with my friend through the woods, which happened to have lots and lots of bears. I happen to be scared of bears. So walking, we looked ahead and saw a group of elementary school students out on a school trip. So we followed them. While following them though, a group of bears came up! I had constantly told myself that bears wouldn't approach big groups of people and that I would be fine and BAM! bears! So I had to walk through a flock of bears. And I lived. But then I started thinking of my knowledge I had about the difference between black bears and brown bears and their personalities. (Black bears are more dangerous). So continuing walking, I became a leader for the little kids somehow and they were getting scared with all of the bears so I had to be brave. Then all of a sudden a bear came running at one of the students I was watching after and I had to jump in front of the student and make a loud noise and make myself big to get the bear to run away. So the bear went running and was gone for awhile when one came running back and this time it bit me! But I pushed it off and we continued because I wasn't hurt. I was even bit again by a different bear! And I was fine! We continued walking and I had to walk by a bunch of bears over and over again. Then we were done. The moral of the story? Bears aren't that scary, and even if something did happen, I would probably live. And bears can be many things and not just bears...
the. end.
I just got out of the shower and I realized that I am actually scared to reminisce. Scared! Who'd a thunk that?! I am now acknowledging that I am in fact scared to remember because I am scared to relive the emotions and the bad thoughts I was having during those past points in my life. It's silly, but it's my reality. But I find my strength in knowing that I am scared of that, because I don't let it ruin my life. I just tell myself happy thoughts and work with and move beyond it. Because really, I don't think it does anything to forget or repress thoughts and emotions. It's better to acknowledge, accept and grow and move forward.
Anyways. I was taking my shower and I realized that I remembered my dream from last night!
I was going on a hike with my friend through the woods, which happened to have lots and lots of bears. I happen to be scared of bears. So walking, we looked ahead and saw a group of elementary school students out on a school trip. So we followed them. While following them though, a group of bears came up! I had constantly told myself that bears wouldn't approach big groups of people and that I would be fine and BAM! bears! So I had to walk through a flock of bears. And I lived. But then I started thinking of my knowledge I had about the difference between black bears and brown bears and their personalities. (Black bears are more dangerous). So continuing walking, I became a leader for the little kids somehow and they were getting scared with all of the bears so I had to be brave. Then all of a sudden a bear came running at one of the students I was watching after and I had to jump in front of the student and make a loud noise and make myself big to get the bear to run away. So the bear went running and was gone for awhile when one came running back and this time it bit me! But I pushed it off and we continued because I wasn't hurt. I was even bit again by a different bear! And I was fine! We continued walking and I had to walk by a bunch of bears over and over again. Then we were done. The moral of the story? Bears aren't that scary, and even if something did happen, I would probably live. And bears can be many things and not just bears...
the. end.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
"You're not 21," she says handing me my CA I.D. back to me.
"I'm not?" I say back to her
"no."
"oh, well you might want to take another look because I wasn't born in 2007. That would make me...three?"
I have never been so angered so quickly. Having someone tell me that I am not 21 when I AM 21 pissed me off. It was a new feeling. The rest of the night the server was on tip toes..."I'm so sorry."
...damn straight.
On a happier note: My Stawberry blonde beer was quite good. :)
"I'm not?" I say back to her
"no."
"oh, well you might want to take another look because I wasn't born in 2007. That would make me...three?"
I have never been so angered so quickly. Having someone tell me that I am not 21 when I AM 21 pissed me off. It was a new feeling. The rest of the night the server was on tip toes..."I'm so sorry."
...damn straight.
On a happier note: My Stawberry blonde beer was quite good. :)
Friday, February 5, 2010
This morning I woke up and just knew it was raining. The sun didn't feel bright and the air felt sleepy, so I opened my door and sure enough the pitter patter of rain met my ears.
My dog had to go out though!
Our options? Long walk or dog park.
Next thing you know, we are hopping into my car and doing a drive by the dog park to see if anyone is there. I glance in the parking lot. It's like a ghost town. We keep driving. As soon as I pass the entrance to the park the barking begins and the whine that breaks my heart sounded loudly throughout the vehicle. He was devastated. I turned around and we pulled into the dog park entrance. It was just the two of us.
Now what do I do? Well, I pretend to be a dog! I start chasing and twirling and running and throwing balls and being crazy while the rain is pouring down on us and I can barely see through my eyelashes and I'm sopping wet. I run and I run and I run. And then finally after thirty minutes of playing by ourselves, someone else shows up. Then they run and run and run. And we run and run and run. Slowly a few more people came, but none of them stayed long. They couldn't handle the mud and the rain and slipping and sliding.
An hour and a half later me and my little amigo were ready to leave. My jeans, sweatshirt and running shoes were caked in mud. My hair was frizzing out the sides of my pony tail, rain drops making streams down my face and yet I had a smile plastered from side to side. I really enjoy getting disgustingly dirty. I look down at my little buddy. He has dirt all over his face and caked into his feet and his underbody is so low to the ground all of his little chest hairs are completely covered too. He's a few shades darker then when we had arrived and his quick pant and tongue hanging out his mouth tells me that he had a great time.
We looked at each other, got in my car (dirt and all) and went home.
We had had a great morning.
My dog had to go out though!
Our options? Long walk or dog park.
Next thing you know, we are hopping into my car and doing a drive by the dog park to see if anyone is there. I glance in the parking lot. It's like a ghost town. We keep driving. As soon as I pass the entrance to the park the barking begins and the whine that breaks my heart sounded loudly throughout the vehicle. He was devastated. I turned around and we pulled into the dog park entrance. It was just the two of us.
Now what do I do? Well, I pretend to be a dog! I start chasing and twirling and running and throwing balls and being crazy while the rain is pouring down on us and I can barely see through my eyelashes and I'm sopping wet. I run and I run and I run. And then finally after thirty minutes of playing by ourselves, someone else shows up. Then they run and run and run. And we run and run and run. Slowly a few more people came, but none of them stayed long. They couldn't handle the mud and the rain and slipping and sliding.
An hour and a half later me and my little amigo were ready to leave. My jeans, sweatshirt and running shoes were caked in mud. My hair was frizzing out the sides of my pony tail, rain drops making streams down my face and yet I had a smile plastered from side to side. I really enjoy getting disgustingly dirty. I look down at my little buddy. He has dirt all over his face and caked into his feet and his underbody is so low to the ground all of his little chest hairs are completely covered too. He's a few shades darker then when we had arrived and his quick pant and tongue hanging out his mouth tells me that he had a great time.
We looked at each other, got in my car (dirt and all) and went home.
We had had a great morning.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The Soft Pack
This is my favorite song that The Soft Pack sings from the show I saw last Saturday. If they sound a little tired and out of it, I don't blame them! It was their TENTH show in one day.
Enjoy!
Answer to Yourself by The Soft Pack
You gotta answer to yourself
You can't depend on anyone else
You gotta know where you stand
And what's in your hands
Yeah you gotta answer to yourself
You gotta write down what you know
You gotta make sure that it's known
Because they're coming along to see what you've done
And they're gonna claim it for their own
You got a rabbit in your hat
You got a few tricks up your sleeve
Don't get stuck in a rut
Or stuck in the same
You got exactly what you need
You got a talent don't you know?
You're more talented than you know
And you give it a shot
And give it the time
And be surprised how far it goes
But I think I'm gonna die
Before I see my time
But I think I'm gonna die
Try it anyway
You gotta answer to yourself
2 days a week outside yourself
You take an hour a day, an hour a day
And you don't respond to anyone else
You got a few things on your shelf
You got to look through for yourself
You gotta choose what to read
Choose what to believe
And you don't take it from anyone else
But I think I'm gonna die
Before I see my time
But I think I'm gonna die
Try it anyway
Enjoy!
Answer to Yourself by The Soft Pack
You gotta answer to yourself
You can't depend on anyone else
You gotta know where you stand
And what's in your hands
Yeah you gotta answer to yourself
You gotta write down what you know
You gotta make sure that it's known
Because they're coming along to see what you've done
And they're gonna claim it for their own
You got a rabbit in your hat
You got a few tricks up your sleeve
Don't get stuck in a rut
Or stuck in the same
You got exactly what you need
You got a talent don't you know?
You're more talented than you know
And you give it a shot
And give it the time
And be surprised how far it goes
But I think I'm gonna die
Before I see my time
But I think I'm gonna die
Try it anyway
You gotta answer to yourself
2 days a week outside yourself
You take an hour a day, an hour a day
And you don't respond to anyone else
You got a few things on your shelf
You got to look through for yourself
You gotta choose what to read
Choose what to believe
And you don't take it from anyone else
But I think I'm gonna die
Before I see my time
But I think I'm gonna die
Try it anyway
Sunday, January 31, 2010
The past week has been the most eventful in a while. I began school as a full-time student again AND I had my 21st birthday.
Translation?
I have been trying to get back into the studious mode while also going out basically anywhere I want now. It's funny how much power one card with a birthday on it can have.
Yesterday I found out about a band, from my friend, called The Soft Pack. I now believe I have a new band in the running for my full attention. Their music is SO fun and danceable and the lyrics actually are kind of refreshing too, which is always nice. Anyways, yesterday this band had TEN shows to celebrate their record release and new record deal with subpop. Their cd comes out on Feb 2.
All throughout the day SP was playing house parties and record shops and the very last show (the one I got to go to) was in a warehouse in Los Angeles. It was a dream come true and made me remember how much I love live music and people watching and just being shoved into a crowded room and being surrounded by noise in general. I really enjoy it. But I have no idea how SP played shows all day while drinking beer and whatever else and still made it to the last one at midnight. That was impressive. If I started MY day at 10am with beer and donuts I'd be past sick by midnight.
OH! and when we got to the warehouse a guy asked me and my friend if we were 21 and for the first time I got to say YES and not be lying. AND he believed us. Such a good feeling.
Translation?
I have been trying to get back into the studious mode while also going out basically anywhere I want now. It's funny how much power one card with a birthday on it can have.
Yesterday I found out about a band, from my friend, called The Soft Pack. I now believe I have a new band in the running for my full attention. Their music is SO fun and danceable and the lyrics actually are kind of refreshing too, which is always nice. Anyways, yesterday this band had TEN shows to celebrate their record release and new record deal with subpop. Their cd comes out on Feb 2.
All throughout the day SP was playing house parties and record shops and the very last show (the one I got to go to) was in a warehouse in Los Angeles. It was a dream come true and made me remember how much I love live music and people watching and just being shoved into a crowded room and being surrounded by noise in general. I really enjoy it. But I have no idea how SP played shows all day while drinking beer and whatever else and still made it to the last one at midnight. That was impressive. If I started MY day at 10am with beer and donuts I'd be past sick by midnight.
OH! and when we got to the warehouse a guy asked me and my friend if we were 21 and for the first time I got to say YES and not be lying. AND he believed us. Such a good feeling.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
To vest wearers!
C.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Everyday I can feel the inner beast being released. It's like I'm wearing a costume and everyday the zipper comes down a little bit more until finally, I step out and am a whole new person. Maybe not new, as much as released. But changed. Definitely changed.
Everyday, everyday, everyday.
down just a little bit everyday.
Everyday, everyday, everyday.
down just a little bit everyday.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
ok, so it's a picture of a moon through the branches of a tree...just listen to the song!
Hideaway by The Weepies
Hideaway by The Weepies
Some call meI love the entire song, but my favorite bits are in the last half of the song...
All kinds of names
Some say I don't play the right kind of game
I try to be honest
I try to be kind
And honestly leave when I know that it's time
I know that it's time
Hear a phoebe sing his only song
The summer's day is hovering
I'll write my full heart
Troubles fly like embers
Out the windows of our traveling car
Even the stars
Sometimes fade to gray
Even the stars
Hideaway
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Watching Oprah with my mom has become part of my typical day... again. When I am home, anyway. It makes me feel like I have gone back in time and am in high school again...
Anywho,
the show that I watched today was about marriage and sex and love in different countries: Denmark, Egypt, Ukraine and India. I learned that Denmark is more about equality and you don't have to get married and it's fine to live with a boyfriend forever. Egypt has a great divide between the conservative and liberals- to be veiled or not, to wait or not to wait. One thing that was very much divided though was that once you're married, a man can say he wants a divorce out loud and BAM he's divorced. A woman has to go through trial. Hmmm. Then in Ukraine girls want to get married and be taken care of by their husbands, and in India it's all the rage to have an arranged marrriage and learn how to love the other person during your married time. To say the least, I have found this all to be very interesting.
...where does the United States sit in all of this?
Anywho,
the show that I watched today was about marriage and sex and love in different countries: Denmark, Egypt, Ukraine and India. I learned that Denmark is more about equality and you don't have to get married and it's fine to live with a boyfriend forever. Egypt has a great divide between the conservative and liberals- to be veiled or not, to wait or not to wait. One thing that was very much divided though was that once you're married, a man can say he wants a divorce out loud and BAM he's divorced. A woman has to go through trial. Hmmm. Then in Ukraine girls want to get married and be taken care of by their husbands, and in India it's all the rage to have an arranged marrriage and learn how to love the other person during your married time. To say the least, I have found this all to be very interesting.
...where does the United States sit in all of this?
Monday, January 11, 2010
Dabbling with the unknown and trying the untried is what? my current mission. I want to try out different ways of life and prove to myself that there is definitely more than the typical Southern California conservative suburban way of life.
For the past months I have had many, MANY unsettling nights. I was constantly disturbed by myself. I was 20 years old and already felt myself being sucked into the expected ways of "life"- that's what everyone calls it. But really? I just see it being a formula. It's a formula and one that I want to steer clear of.
So, like you know, come summer I will be somewhere else and hopefully meet some cool people and see some cool places and learn to be content with myself more so than I am now. But until then, I would like to do some long weekend trips and wandering around by myself as well as with anyone who wants to wander around.
And, I've still been avoiding getting a job job, but I fear the end is near...
For the past months I have had many, MANY unsettling nights. I was constantly disturbed by myself. I was 20 years old and already felt myself being sucked into the expected ways of "life"- that's what everyone calls it. But really? I just see it being a formula. It's a formula and one that I want to steer clear of.
So, like you know, come summer I will be somewhere else and hopefully meet some cool people and see some cool places and learn to be content with myself more so than I am now. But until then, I would like to do some long weekend trips and wandering around by myself as well as with anyone who wants to wander around.
And, I've still been avoiding getting a job job, but I fear the end is near...
hasta luego,
Page
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
my little cousins saw a picture of me dressed up and didn't believe it was me. And I was all...yo, jus becuz i b repin a t and a pair a dirty ass jeans when y'alls come round these parts don't mean that i can't get all dressed up for a night on the town. yuh b feelin' me?
and they were all...that's not you.
puh.
and they were all...that's not you.
puh.
Friday, January 1, 2010
The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.
-Chuck Palahniuk
-Chuck Palahniuk
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