I need to get a tan. Being that I live in California I do not think this will be much of a problem. I'm going to shed the jackets and try to absorb as much as the rays that are being offered. Tomorrow will be day 1. Lets see how long this lasts. I also decided that I need to get fit. Tonight I will go running. Whoooooooooooo!

Ok,
Bye.

I just remembered that I had to pay a bill, well, a fine, but my point is that I had forgotten. According to the paper, I was supposed to pay it by yesterday or else I'd have to pay twice as much. Well, I missed yesterday. I cursed at the computer and went to their online bill paying site just now, and guess what? The fine didn't get doubled. And you know what? I wasn't happy. I should have been happy that I didn't have to pay twice as much, but I was mad. They lied! How am I ever supposed to learn to be more responsible if I never get in trouble when I make mistakes?

I guess I'm just retarded.
Whatever.

I was really worried I was going to be negative in the bank, but apparently I don't spend as much as I think I do. Therefore I am not negative in the bank. Yippee! Cool! Wonderful!

LOVE,
C.

I feel like secretly packing all my stuff and just moving in the night. Yeah, I only have about ohhh $200 right now, but I can manage. I'll drive somewhere, sell the car, cancel all my expenses and live a secret life. Well, I'll probably just use my middle name. And probably only that because then I'd be able to remember it. And no, I'm not going to tell you my middle name, because then I can't run away, stupid!

Well, We'll explore this later,
Christina

Hey today,

I'd really like it if you helped today be a lot better than yesterday. None of this fighting with the family, saying goodbye to friends, having stress related bloody noses, breaking down, coughing up lungs and being a wreck stuff. Ok?

Glad we got that cleared up,
Love you already.

Yours,

Christina

Half asleep on my bed, the faint sound of a voice rang through my head. Hmmm, I thought. Just hmmm. I had gone to school to take a quiz and then rushed back to enjoy my humble, but oh so cozy, twin sized bed. Wrapped up in my tie-dye blanket, nothing could disturb me. Not a woman's voice, not a man's voice, nothing. That is, except for the godly voice of a barista. I know that voice of a barista anywhere.

Christina...?
I blinked my eyes, thinking.
....Christina?
I rolled over immediately and looked in the direction of the doorway...waiting for what comes next.
...do you want us to get you anything from starbucks?

My sister busted out laughing, not being able to hold it back anymore. Apparently she had been the first voice that I blew off and ignored, and Harold, ohhh Harold, was the second voice. She was laughing at not just how pitiful I looked wrapped up on my bed in a half comatose state, but how I immediately responded to Harold's voice. I had to defend myself.

Juli, stop laughing!
-why?
Because it's not funny! You are not comparable to Harold.
-and why is that?
Harold is a god, Juli. He is a BARISTA!
-ohhh a Bariiiiiiiiista
YES! and a God. I can't help but to give any barista my fullest attention, and a little more. They're all so attractive, it doesn't matter male or female, ugly or supremely attractive...although the more male and the more attractive the easier it is... POINT!? Barista=God, Harold=Barista, Harold= Godly. You have a keeper, my dearest sister. Keep him.
-so you can tell that he is a barista by his voice?
Juli, a Barista's voice rings out to me. They're godly. One of a kind. You obviously don't understand...
-alright...well

suddenly Harold interrupts which made me stop listening to my sister and gaze admiringly at him. "do you want a cold or hot drink?"

As I stared at him, I couldn't help but to notice the glow, the aura, if I may, that enveloped his body. "Any drink you get for me will be wonderful. Something to make me feel less shitty would be nice...I trust you...God. You are my barista. My drink is in your hands...."

I rolled back into my cocoon on my bed and awoke to a beverage being thrust into my delicate fingers. I sat up and inquired what had been chosen for me. A warm lemonade with mint tea and two packets of honey. Yummmmm. It was like a better version of Warm Apple Cider and made my throat feel nice. You may be able to compare it to a cough drop, but a really really good liquid cough drop.

Point to the story?
I love baristas and can't help but to flirt with them no matter where I go. They know a craft and I cannot help but to respect that, and want some of that...ahaha

...love at first sip.

I don't like not understanding things so I spend hours upon hours trying to sort ideas and concepts into possible constructs. Somehow I will make sense of it. Somehow I will create logic and understanding. The problem is, I create so many different scenarios and half of them are negative and half of them are positive. Which to choose as my solution? Which to believe? The facts provide for both sides, so it's hard to be swayed either direction. It's hard to know. It's a difficult process, making sense of stuff, and stuff.

Lately my life has been spinning. Round and around and I don't know when I should just STOP! and put my feet back on the ground and center my head. Am I being stupid? Selfish? Foolish? Naive? I want to know. Am I being good to myself? Giving myself credit? Making steps to grow as a person?

Then because I've been thinking about how things fit into one another, I started thinking about relationships. I don't understand them. And I'm frustrated. I mean, obviously I've never quite been there and partly because I don't see the point. I can take care of myself, I have friends, I am content doing things by myself or with other friends. So then I think of what I would do with a boyfriend. Is it just clinging to one another? Is it just having someone to pester when you want? I don't like the idea of becoming attached to someone but I do like the idea of having someone to lean on.

Then because I was thinking about that stuff I started thinking about my personality. I don't want to be manipulative. I don't want to out think someone into thinking that they like me when they don't. I don't want to create a false environment, and I don't think I am doing that, or if I even really have that ability, but it's one of my thoughts. I don't want to do that.

From there my thoughts moved to what happens if someone is liking me for all the wrong reasons? You think I am cute. Cool. You think I'm innocent. Cool. You think that I am intelligent. Cool. But is that what people are supposed to like you for? I'm not sure. Is that what I really am? I'm not so sure.

But what I think it boils down to is that I am scared out of my mind for trying something new. For going against a lot of peoples' ideas of "right" and "wrong" and doing (for once) what I really REALLY want to do. It's scary to put yourself out on the line and be vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable. It's leaving yourself available to get hurt, and getting hurt hurts. As strong as I am, I'm not that strong to wear I can endure more and MORE hurt.

I'm worried that I am going to start comparing everything to everything else that has happened to me. Creating meaning and significance out of nothing, and not taking meaning out of things that actually mean something. I recently learned in one of my classes that when you over react to something it isn't necessarily about whatever just happened to you, but that you are reliving a past moment that upset or hurt you.

Something that I am particularly sensitive to is when people say that they are going to do something and then they never do it. That they "don't have time" or "don't know how" because I grew up with that being said to me all the time. It created a drive within me to always fulfill what I said I would do and be there for my friends all the time no matter what. If I don't know how, I will learn how. I never "don't have time", because I will make time. So when someone tells me that they didn't have time to call it really hurts me. It scares me. Does that mean you're never going to have time and that I'm not ever going to be a priority. You make time for things you like. That's my mindset. If you smoke and run out of cigarettes and really need a cigarette, I am positive that you will find a cigarette. If you really like someone, you will find a way to get in contact and make them feel good. Especially if they're doing that for you. Anyways, I'm sensitive about that. I don't want that to be a problem. I'm worried that it's going to be a problem.

Other than that,
I think life is ok.
I mean, besides the going out of my mind with constant thoughts.
And falling behind in school because I'd rather be making sense of things then studying for retarded tests.

eh, I'm having good times and just need one good positive thought at a time.

Yours truly,
Scatter Brained Christina

I was thinking about phone calls today. They are quite funny...if you think about it because you're like, intercepting someone's voice from a sea of voices.

When you say Hello, you're retrieving them from the sea. YOU SAVED THEM! with the sound of your voice. Amazing.

I've always found strength in songs.

I've been pretending a whole lot lately to get myself up and happy.

Yesterday I was She Wolf, today I'll probably be Sasha Fierce and tomorrow..."not a girl, not yet a woman" ??? Quite possibly. I also start to imagine that all the tacky cheezy songs that are being played on Kiis FM are about me. "She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before..." hahaha, I'm pretty sure they are ALL about me.

I love the radio.
I love my imagination.

Somebody better call 9-1-1?



Today's agenda:
-workshop
-retail therapy
-babysitting
-staying optimistic

My younger sister just woke up.

She had a bad dream. Someone tried to take her guild from her. I guess. My mom asked her "was that upsetting because you have to work so hard for the guild and build it up?" then my sister looks at her and says snidely "no, I didn't have to work for it. It was like already level 60, but the guy was following me around the WORLD!"

...The world being the different lands she plays on for World Of Warcraft.

This is when you know...
your sister is a gamer
has a problem
lives a worry free life (being that her biggest worry is her GUILD)

fml.
-C

anything you say now,

I believe you.

-The Flaming Lips

Something is trying to get me to open my eyes into what is going on. Two boys, from two years in two days. GO. AWAY. No more please. If you shove another boy in my path tomorrow I'm just going to smack them and LET THAT BE A SIGN TO YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE! NO MORE.

alright.

Other than that... I got a Disneyland pass from my mother today. I wanted to bop every annoying kid on the head as I walked down the Main street to take the picture for the pass. I also picked up cd that I pre-ordered from the local record store, drank a lot of coffee and did some journaling. Then I got my eyebrows did so that I can feel like a girl, again.

Now I'm hanging out with a friend and then another friend and then another other friend. Distractions galore.

Optimism and happy thoughts.
Laughter and smiles.
Avoiding the dark colored clothing for awhile.

I need to not be so pessimistic so soon.

OUTZ!
-C

Dear Swings,

You have been helping me clear my head almost every night for just about a month now.
I thank you for that.

With Lots of Love,
Christina

I don't know you
But I want you

All the more for that

current worry: I don't want to be a pest.

I have been finding ways to get myself to relax and enjoy where I am at in my life, and let me tell you- no easy feat! When I have nothing to do, I usually end up feeling bogged down with confusion and sadness. Partly because I'm oblivious to so much and I know that, but I can't help that, and partly because sometimes I just feel like a loser.

SO, let me tell you about what happened yesterday.

Ok. Yesterday I laid in bed all day. Well, until 2pm. During this time I listened to music on repeat and stared at the ceiling and exchanged very minimal words with the little sister who was in my room playing video games. I just laid. For hours.

Finally, I arose and took a shower. I then sat for an hour "drying", got dressed and went off to babysit.

Babysitting was alright. I helped pick up a dog from a shelter, helped make critical decisions on how to take care of the dog, and then went home. It was a good couple of hours of working. Fun, good, but a little stressful. I'm worried for the dog. ....a little more than slightly.

So, then I get home to be yelled at by two sisters who were apparently waiting to go to Disneyland with me. My mom bought us passes randomly and I guess we were going to go last night to take the pictures for them. First off, I didn't ask for a pass. I'm not that into theme parks, at least, not enough to get a pass for anything. AND I was feeling overwhelmed already AND I felt ugly. So I put up resistance and they left without me.

I walk to my room. Friend calls me. Friend needs me to help him finish his project that involves MEEEE, so I go to school. We sit, chat, laugh, edit and write various comments onto his project papers. We had a good time. We split ways after having a brief discussion on public restroom poop requirements. Like, where can you go, and who can be present and compared our findings to that of the masses. Interesting. We were definitely not typical.

Then, still feeling like a hot mess, I get myself into breakfast food eating with my partner in crime Jlee and her boyfriend. Without first beginning to drive to LA. LA? Why would I drive to LA? I wanted to be by myself (ish), listen to music (a lot) and go somewhere I don't get to go very often and find somewhere random (and probably get killed at) to eat! So LA seemed perfect. But, after just hopping onto the freeway and settling into my 80 mph, Jlee called me. So I got off and turned around.

Denny's. Beach Blvd. SO. MUCH. FUN.
Basically what went down was girl talk (talking about boys), boy talk (talking with her boyfriend) and a whole lot of bullying each other. It is only acceptable to bully someone that you are comfortable with, because they're going to bully you right on back and nobody wants hard feelings. So you have to be good friends. Like we are. A Moon Over My Hammy with hash browns and a coffee later, I felt good, they felt good. We had decided we all felt good and we split our directions. A significant thing that went down last night was that Jlee's boyfriend was introduced to the breakfast table. Our breakfast table. It is a very exclusive event. Invite only. He's a lucky man.

Then after a short drive down the street, I'm back home. Next thing you know, I'm making art projects! ...and being creepy. But being really proud of my creepy art. I mean, that's the most creative I've ever been. So I showed Jlee (over the internet) and she got jealous and wanted me to make a picture of me and her. So I did. Now I have two really cool pictures with two really cool people. I'll make more. I just know I will.

Any who,
now I feel better. A little embarrassed of my creepiness, but the embarrassment hasn't been able to outshine the pride. Which I have a lot of. Pride. So proud.

NOW, I sit in wait.
I have class at 4pm. Classmates and I are crossing our fingers that we have no test today because he missed class last week. If we do have a test in our class, classmates and I are all going to fail. Eh, I can handle that.

THANKS FOR READING,
-C.

WE KAN EET MOOR FOODZ?!