Some things are better left unsaid...or are they?

Say tommorow
And she'll say, "Come find me on a beach
And there will be no moon"
But say today
And she will kiss your face
And maybe forget

 

don't forget the multi-colored sprinkles!

 

...life is meant to be colorful!

This past weekend I went car camping and then on an overnight backpacking trip. I spent both of my nights wide eyed and very much awake in my tent by myself. For the first time. It was a great experience. My friends were a few feet away in their own tent, and at times I felt like hollering out at them to get the reassurance of life nearby. But I resisted. I resisted for a few reasons. The first is that I wanted to accomplish being in my tent completely by myself. Nobody else. Just me. And the second is that I was too scared to make noise. Seriously. I was convinced throughout the night that if I made noise I would be attracting attention to myself and that would be the opposite of my goal, which was of blending in, and ultimately, staying alive. I succeeded in sleeping alone and having a great weekend in the mountains with my friends.

I love camping. I love being uncomfortable. I love the appreciation it gives me for life. I love feeling like I'm going to die but having a smile on my face because I couldn't be happier dying that way. I love a good challenge. I love testing myself.

Which brings me to my next recent endeavor. I took my bike out for a long night ride for the first time and was in love. I enjoyed the feeling of independence it gave me. I liked navigating the roads and paths and how my legs felt so heavy at times but how I also couldn't slow down because I was experiencing such a high. Seeing the stars twinkle, feeling the wind on my skin, smelling everything from the beach bonfires to exhaust and pollution, hearing the gulls screech and being apart of the elements of life. It creates awareness of issues you may otherwise be unaware of as you drive down a road with the windows up blasting Katy Perry. It creates an acute awareness for everything aspect of your ride- traffic, weather, road/path conditions, debris, etc.

Maybe not everyone can afford to spare as much time as I can to enjoy nature and the outdoors, but everyone should be able to take the time, at the very least, to go on a walk outside. To look at the sky and smell the air. If you live in Southern California, be sure to do this after a rain and some strong winds so you can see the mountains and past the hazy smog in the sky. It makes a HUGE difference.

til next time,

Christina

 It's the feeling of getting YOURSELF somewhere. Of pushing your body to the limits. Of communicating with strangers on whichever path you choose to use. Of creating energy and using energy. Activity. Outdoors. Everybody should have , at the very least, a friendly dose of both.

Last week at Disneyland I was walking to Space Mountain when I came across a child playing in the gutter. Yes, the gutter. All I could think of was...this is the HAPPIEST place on EARTH and you're playing IN THE GUTTER?!

...whatever floats your boat, kid.

definition.

Found you weeping in the snow

Hark the bells are ringing

I won't let you go...

It started as one of those days. I layed in bed. I didn't want to get up. So I layed there some more. Eventually I had to get up. So I did. So I went to the living room. I sat. I looked at the remote. I stared at the blank television. Then I stared outside at the grass and the light and our retarded dogs galloping about. I then looked at the remote again and flicked on the teli. My dreams then started to perculate, like they usually do. Today's show was called Alone In the Wilderness. You should be able to guess where I went from there...that's right. I want to live alone in the wilderness for a little while. Or at least I did. I think I would bring a friend, or friends. But definitely be in the heart of some wonderful forest fending for life right alongside the porcupines and centipedes.

After finishing that show I continued on to the next. It was about random animal facts and tests of human ability and did you know that at least 4% of greenhouse gasses are the result of Cows burping? Neither did I! And it's true. Anyways, I don't like tv that much so I turned it off and started researching bicycles again. Oh yeah, I've been researching bicycles. I'm tiring of my car. And I have too much time on my hands to be traveling that fast. And I need to be more fit. And I like riding bikes. So it's about time I have my own good bike to be best friends with. I went to three bike stores today and compared selections and prices and touched all the bikes I wanted. Even rode a few. I'm probably going to get a Trek 7.2 fx. And I don't like girl bikes. They're ugly. And unappealingly slow. And an old man that worked at one of the bike stores tried to push one of those girl bikes at me and I looked him in the eye and told him that I can perform. I'm not buying a bike to ride around the block, asshole.

Eventually I ended back home. I took a shower. Which leads me to the song by The Ting Tings. You may know it. It's called "That's Not My Name." I felt horrible for this girl, I always do, because people don't remember her name. Which makes me think...do people remember my name?! And the answer is yes. People remember my name to the point if someone calls me Christine and not Christina I am going to purposely forget their name. Do you know why? Because people remember my name and I don't need to put up with "Christine"...call me a bitch. Also, while I was taking my shower, specifically when I was undressing, it made me think of this morning again. I went hippy for the first three quarters of my day. No bra. And I was wearing a tank top. And I kept my greasy semi-tangled hair. It felt really good, let me tell you. Um, it felt really good... It made me miss summer even more. I could do shit like that everyday and nobody thought twice about it because that's who I was out there. I was Christina. I was messy curly hair and a smile. I was the same outfit for days at a time. And I was insanely happy.

I think people here at "home" can go to learn some tolerance and acceptance. If I did anything like what I did in Yellowstone my own family would turn on me. Do you know how I know? Because they did.

"That doesn't match"
"You wore that yesterday"
"Are you going out like that?"
"omg, you're hair" (not in a nice way)

My response starting today is "puh." I'm going to continue on my fitness trend. I'm going to do things the way I want. And eventually, I will be out of here again. Rural life was the way to go.

Peach out,

Christina

I'm officially in Yellowstone!

I had a great time on my drive up with Mario through Utah. We stayed a few nights in Zion National Park and then continued up through Wyoming and stayed in the Tetons for a while with some friends and then up through Yellowstone, where I am at now!

Yellowstone is pretty cool. There's a TON of people and a ton of things to do (as long as you stay creative). My roommate is awesome and the friends I've made here are pretty cool, too. The meals and job here though could use some improvement...

Other than that, I'm just trying to go outside and enjoy where I'm at often and enjoy my summer!

Last night & This morning...Chicago.

A week until I leave for Chicago, and then after that is done...a week until I leave for Wyoming! Things are happening crazy fast. It is a little overwhelming, but I feel like it's coming together better now. I just hope that everything turns out well and that I have the strength to just go with the flow throughout my entire journey this summer. Aggghhhhhh!

...and everything feels the same.

Best friend is gone and I still have a month to burn before I get to run run run faaaaaar away from here! I mean, I still have a lot of good things going for me right now but I'm getting antsy now. I just uhh, have to find some money and then pray for everything to fall into place. PLEASE things, fall in place!

...please?

I had decided to dabble in new territory and it was going fine and dandy until it didn't. Because I'm not stupid, I could feel what's up. I could sense the change. But that's perfectly fine because I'm falling back into my path of what I wanted to do...which was explore and have fun and learn and live and be happy and free. To be wild and untamed and to be continue following my path of being a good person.

Disappointment isn't a word I will employ, neither is sadness. I have grown as a person to be beyond those words. Simply intrigued in how the mind works.

Now I am excited and joyful and filled with wonderment for the future.

FUTURE YOU START IN 40 DAYS! I cannot wait.

LOVE,

Christina

Hmmm...interesting. Iceland, you're very interesting! But I will say, Iceland, you're a little over the top...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/mar/25/iceland-most-feminist-country

Speaking of Elliott Smith....
L.A. by Elliott Smith is one of my favorite songs...but the only one! Except for Baby Britain...and maybe one or two others. Shhhh!

I feel like this right now. blah! Don't let me become the next Elliot Smith, he's waaaaaay too depressing.


Dagger by Slowdive

I've had an abundance of thoughts lately. Thoughts that are just beyond my words to describe to the point that I am ready to give up on thoughts. Thoughts run a muck through my brain and bring back memories I've fought hard not to relive.

I just got out of the shower and I realized that I am actually scared to reminisce. Scared! Who'd a thunk that?! I am now acknowledging that I am in fact scared to remember because I am scared to relive the emotions and the bad thoughts I was having during those past points in my life. It's silly, but it's my reality. But I find my strength in knowing that I am scared of that, because I don't let it ruin my life. I just tell myself happy thoughts and work with and move beyond it. Because really, I don't think it does anything to forget or repress thoughts and emotions. It's better to acknowledge, accept and grow and move forward.

Anyways. I was taking my shower and I realized that I remembered my dream from last night!

I was going on a hike with my friend through the woods, which happened to have lots and lots of bears. I happen to be scared of bears. So walking, we looked ahead and saw a group of elementary school students out on a school trip. So we followed them. While following them though, a group of bears came up! I had constantly told myself that bears wouldn't approach big groups of people and that I would be fine and BAM! bears! So I had to walk through a flock of bears. And I lived. But then I started thinking of my knowledge I had  about the difference between black bears and brown bears and their personalities. (Black bears are more dangerous). So continuing walking, I became a leader for the little kids somehow and they were getting scared with all of the bears so I had to be brave. Then all of a sudden a bear came running at one of the students I was watching after and I had to jump in front of the student and make a loud noise and make myself big to get the bear to run away. So the bear went running and was gone for awhile when one came running back and this time it bit me! But I pushed it off and we continued because I wasn't hurt. I was even bit again by a different bear! And I was fine! We continued walking and I had to walk by a bunch of bears over and over again. Then we were done. The moral of the story? Bears aren't that scary, and even if something did happen, I would probably live. And bears can be many things and not just bears...

the. end.

hey life,

quit throwing shit in my face. thanks! 'preciate it.

yours truly,

C.

Last night.

"You're not 21," she says handing me my CA I.D. back to me.
"I'm not?" I say back to  her
"no."

"oh, well you might want to take another look because I wasn't born in 2007. That would make me...three?"

I have never been so angered so quickly. Having someone tell me that I am not 21 when I AM 21 pissed me off. It was a new feeling. The rest of the night the server was on tip toes..."I'm so sorry."

...damn straight.

On a happier note: My Stawberry blonde beer was quite good. :)

This morning I woke up and just knew it was raining. The sun didn't feel bright and the air felt sleepy, so I opened my door and sure enough the pitter patter of rain met my ears.

My dog had to go out though!
Our options? Long walk or dog park.

Next thing you know, we are hopping into my car and doing a drive by the dog park to see if anyone is there. I glance in the parking lot. It's like a ghost town. We keep driving. As soon as I pass the entrance to the park the barking begins and the whine that breaks my heart sounded loudly throughout the vehicle. He was devastated. I turned around and we pulled into the dog park entrance. It was just the two of us.

Now what do I do? Well, I pretend to be a dog! I start chasing and twirling and running and throwing balls and being crazy while the rain is pouring down on us and I can barely see through my eyelashes and I'm sopping wet. I run and I run and I run. And then finally after thirty minutes of playing by ourselves, someone else shows up. Then they run and run and run. And we run and run and run. Slowly a few more people came, but none of them stayed long. They couldn't handle the mud and the rain and slipping and sliding.

An hour and a half later me and my little amigo were ready to leave. My jeans, sweatshirt and running shoes were caked in mud. My hair was frizzing out the sides of my pony tail, rain drops making streams down my face and yet I had a smile plastered from side to side. I really enjoy getting disgustingly dirty. I look down at my little buddy. He has dirt all over his face and caked into his feet and his underbody is so low to the ground all of his little chest hairs are completely covered too. He's a few shades darker then when we had arrived and his quick pant and tongue hanging out his mouth tells me that he had a great time.

We looked at each other, got in my car (dirt and all) and went home.

We had had a great morning. 

The Soft Pack

This is my favorite song that The Soft Pack sings from the show I saw last Saturday. If they sound a little tired and out of it, I don't blame them! It was their TENTH show in one day.

Enjoy!


Answer to Yourself by The Soft Pack

You gotta answer to yourself

You can't depend on anyone else
You gotta know where you stand
And what's in your hands
Yeah you gotta answer to yourself

You gotta write down what you know
You gotta make sure that it's known
Because they're coming along to see what you've done
And they're gonna claim it for their own

You got a rabbit in your hat
You got a few tricks up your sleeve
Don't get stuck in a rut
Or stuck in the same
You got exactly what you need

You got a talent don't you know?
You're more talented than you know
And you give it a shot
And give it the time
And be surprised how far it goes

But I think I'm gonna die
Before I see my time
But I think I'm gonna die
Try it anyway

You gotta answer to yourself
2 days a week outside yourself
You take an hour a day, an hour a day
And you don't respond to anyone else

You got a few things on your shelf
You got to look through for yourself
You gotta choose what to read
Choose what to believe
And you don't take it from anyone else

But I think I'm gonna die
Before I see my time
But I think I'm gonna die
Try it anyway

The past week has been the most eventful in a while. I began school as a full-time student again AND I had my 21st birthday.

Translation?

I have been trying to get back into the studious mode while also going out basically anywhere I want now. It's funny how much power one card with a birthday on it can have.

Yesterday I found out about a band, from my friend, called The Soft Pack. I now believe I have a new band in the running for my full attention. Their music is SO fun and danceable and the lyrics actually are kind of refreshing too, which is always nice. Anyways, yesterday this band had TEN shows to celebrate their record release and new record deal with subpop. Their cd comes out on Feb 2.

All throughout the day SP was playing house parties and record shops and the very last show (the one I got to go to) was in a warehouse in Los Angeles. It was a dream come true and made me remember how much I love live music and people watching and just being shoved into a crowded room and being surrounded by noise in general. I really enjoy it. But I have no idea how SP played shows all day while drinking beer and whatever else and still made it to the last one at midnight. That was impressive. If I started MY day at 10am with beer and donuts I'd be past sick by midnight.

OH! and when we got to the warehouse a guy asked me and my friend if we were 21 and for the first time I got to say YES and not be lying. AND he believed us. Such a good feeling.

rainy days are fun days

People treat people who wear vests better than people who do not wear vests. Or at least, that is what I have noticed while wearing my vest. Which makes it a lot more enjoyable wearing a vest. I mean, not only am I keeping my core warm, decorating my mid section, but I am treated better as well! Um, may I get a heck yeah?

To vest wearers!

C.

Everyday I can feel the inner beast being released. It's like I'm wearing a costume and everyday the zipper comes down a little bit more until finally, I step out and am a whole new person. Maybe not new, as much as released. But changed. Definitely changed.

Everyday, everyday, everyday.

down just a little bit everyday.

Today I was curious if the winter sun is stronger than the summer sun so I went and layed in the sun with a minimal amount of clothing on. At the end of my sun session I proved that yes, the winter sun is stronger and I have some wonderful tan lines to prove it :)

winter sun? I love you.

ok, so it's a picture of a moon through the branches of a tree...just listen to the song!


Hideaway by The Weepies

I love the entire song, but my favorite bits are in the last half of the song...

Some call me
All kinds of names
Some say I don't play the right kind of game
I try to be honest
I try to be kind
And honestly leave when I know that it's time
I know that it's time

Hear a phoebe sing his only song
The summer's day is hovering
I'll write my full heart
Troubles fly like embers
Out the windows of our traveling car

Even the stars
Sometimes fade to gray
Even the stars
Hideaway

Watching Oprah with my mom has become part of my typical day... again. When I am home, anyway. It makes me feel like I have gone back in time and am in high school again...

Anywho,
the show that I watched today was about marriage and sex and love in different countries: Denmark, Egypt, Ukraine and India. I learned that Denmark is more about equality and you don't have to get married and it's fine to live with a boyfriend forever. Egypt has a great divide between the conservative and liberals- to be veiled or not, to wait or not to wait. One thing that was very much divided though was that once you're married, a man can say he wants a divorce out loud and BAM he's divorced. A woman has to go through trial. Hmmm. Then in Ukraine girls want to get married and be taken care of by their husbands, and in India it's all the rage to have an arranged marrriage and learn how to love the other person during your married time. To say the least, I have found this all to be very interesting.

...where does the United States sit in all of this?

Dabbling with the unknown and trying the untried is what? my current mission. I want to try out different ways of life and prove to myself that there is definitely more than the typical Southern California conservative suburban way of life.

For the past months I have had many, MANY unsettling nights. I was constantly disturbed by myself. I was 20 years old and already felt myself being sucked into the expected ways of "life"- that's what everyone calls it. But really? I just see it being a formula. It's a formula and one that I want to steer clear of.

So, like you know, come summer I will be somewhere else and hopefully meet some cool people and see some cool places and learn to be content with myself more so than I am now. But until then, I would like to do some long weekend trips and wandering around by myself as well as with anyone who wants to wander around.

And, I've still been avoiding getting a job job, but I fear the end is near...

hasta luego,

Page

From June to August I will have a new home...with lots of...wilderness

CANNOT WAIT!

p.s.- thaiiiiiiiiiiiilannnnnnnnnnnnnd

my little cousins saw a picture of me dressed up and didn't believe it was me. And I was all...yo, jus becuz i b repin a t and a pair a dirty ass jeans when y'alls come round these parts don't mean that i can't get all dressed up for a night on the town. yuh b feelin' me?

and they were all...that's not you.

puh.

The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. stone crumbles. wood rots. people, well, they die. but things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on.

-Chuck Palahniuk

Happy New Year!

getting ready for the New Year...with a sidekick!

Every couple of weeks I get myself to refocus what constitutes as a problem and what does not because I often get lost. I get jumbled up in other people's values and goals instead of my own and end up sidetracked. So now that I have my head put back on and my mind isn't all foggy in other stupid's agendas, here's my mini sketch of a plan...

Since I have already applied to a bunch of places for the summer season that are around the states, if something like that lines up and I end up with a seasonal job, I'll jump aboard that. That way I can make some money and go away somewhere I haven't been before...

BUT, if something like that doesn't happen, and I'll know by probably around March or April? then I want to go abroad on a volunteer trip. I've been researching countries and opportunities and there's SO much out there. I can take the safe route and try another Westernized European country, OR, I can try a different more third world country. The ones I have taken an interest in are...Thailand....and well, Thailand. Something like Thailand would be fun. I want to go for somewhere in South Africa, possibly India, but those scare me a little bit more then Thailand does. Especially if I'm going by myself...

but THAILAND! oohhhh sound like fun! and not only would it help me to spread my wings a little, help others a lot but it would also help me to explore what I really want to do in life. Which is? Well I'm not quite sure, but I think I want it to involve helping others and education and stuff like that. Like, what I really want to advocate is spreading the quality of life and putting out the idea that the world runs around ourselves. Because it doesn't. I want to make a difference in the lives of others and now I just need to figure out how I want to do that...like, in what capacity. So, it's a start!

Pay It Forward (2000)

Trevor McKenney: I guess it's hard for people who are so used to things the way they are - even if they're bad - to change. 'Cause they kind of give up. And when they do, everybody kind of loses.

The Fifth Element (1997)

Leeloo: Everything you create, you use to destroy.
Korben Dallas: Yeah, we call it human nature.

Priest Vito Cornelius: I know she's made to be strong, but she's also so fragile, so human. Know what I mean?

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Fabienne: I was looking at myself in the mirror.
Butch: Uh-huh?
Fabienne: I wish I had a pot.
Butch: You were lookin' in the mirror and you wish you had some pot?
Fabienne: A pot. A pot belly. Pot bellies are sexy.
Butch: Well you should be happy, 'cause you do.
Fabienne: Shut up, Fatso! I don't have a pot! I have a bit of a tummy, like Madonna when she did "Lucky Star," it's not the same thing.
Butch: I didn't realize there was a difference between a tummy and a pot belly.
Fabienne: The difference is huge.
Butch: You want me to have a pot?
Fabienne: No. Pot bellies make a man look either oafish, or like a gorilla. But on a woman, a pot belly is very sexy. The rest of you is normal. Normal face, normal legs, normal hips, normal ass, but with a big, perfectly round pot belly. If I had one, I'd wear a tee-shirt two sizes too small to accentuate it.
Butch: You think guys would find that attractive?
Fabienne: I don't give a damn what men find attractive. It's unfortunate what we find pleasing to the touch and pleasing to the eye is seldom the same.

Alice In Wonderland (1951)

Alice: I simply must get through!
Doorknob: Sorry, you're much too big. Simply impassible.
Alice: You mean impossible?
Doorknob: No, impassible. Nothing's impossible.

Feeling super gloaty. I got an A in the class I thought I was failing and I got a B in the other class! For once, I feel like a good student. I'm glad I went to school this semester because this definitely gave me a CAN DO attitude. Hopefully next semester will be just as good :)

Wise words of jay-z

They Talk, We Live, We see what They say, They say, They say
They Talk, We Did, Who cares what They say, They say, They say


...I'm obsessed with his new album. His lyrics are like...better than the bible. 

I signed up for another semester at my dear ol' college. gaaaah

This coming semester I am taking four classes:
1 MW nights
2 TTh day
1 Th night

I figured it's best to stop being so immature. The Earth isn't going to die in the six months I am attending school and I will be able to go away for summertime. I have an entire lifetime ahead of me. I need to take advantage of now and get an education and ready myself for my future escapades.

Goals: Pass Classes. Not be a dropout. Be happy. Feel happy.

Christmas music makes me gag.

My most common string of thoughts: Am I too honest? Am I too sincere? When will I learn that people do not say what they mean? When will I learn...Why don't I learn? Why do I give people so much benefit of the doubt? ...I really need to cut this out. Christina cut this out! Christina don't get pessimistic......Christina?

A common problem of mine.

find a penny pick it up

then all day

you'll have good luck

My favorite part of the day is when I get to pick out what underwear I am going to wear. It's my little secret. From the cut to the color, it's all mine and only for me to know, usually. Underwear is just that little thing that can make you feel wonderful and amazing and sexy. Yes, even I can feel sexy. Surprising, right? And underwear makes me curious because I can't help but to wonder what other people are wearing under their clothes. If I'm wearing this, than they could SO be wearing that. And you'd never know...

OFF TOPIC.

next topic.

FORTUNE COOKIES: I love them

my lovely

Iron and Wine makes me feel at home, but at the same time makes me want to run away.
well,
to drive away.

Right now it's just me and Zayda, the dog. He's the only thing that is giving me company when I really need it. To say that I am unhappy would be an understatement. To say that I am sad is too dramatic. So, lets just say I am not content.

I am not content with my friends, my living situation, my money situation, my whereabouts, etc.

In January I will have found money somehow and I am going to go somewhere.
I say this a lot.
But for once, I have places to go.
Because I know people now.
Yep.

eff the holidays.

Narcissism.

Um, why yes, that IS me standing next to Alex Brown from SEA WOLF! :)

explain me one more time,

when they kill it's a crime,

when you kill it is justice...?

Fun day at the park!

I need to get a tan. Being that I live in California I do not think this will be much of a problem. I'm going to shed the jackets and try to absorb as much as the rays that are being offered. Tomorrow will be day 1. Lets see how long this lasts. I also decided that I need to get fit. Tonight I will go running. Whoooooooooooo!

Ok,
Bye.

I just remembered that I had to pay a bill, well, a fine, but my point is that I had forgotten. According to the paper, I was supposed to pay it by yesterday or else I'd have to pay twice as much. Well, I missed yesterday. I cursed at the computer and went to their online bill paying site just now, and guess what? The fine didn't get doubled. And you know what? I wasn't happy. I should have been happy that I didn't have to pay twice as much, but I was mad. They lied! How am I ever supposed to learn to be more responsible if I never get in trouble when I make mistakes?

I guess I'm just retarded.
Whatever.

I was really worried I was going to be negative in the bank, but apparently I don't spend as much as I think I do. Therefore I am not negative in the bank. Yippee! Cool! Wonderful!

LOVE,
C.

I feel like secretly packing all my stuff and just moving in the night. Yeah, I only have about ohhh $200 right now, but I can manage. I'll drive somewhere, sell the car, cancel all my expenses and live a secret life. Well, I'll probably just use my middle name. And probably only that because then I'd be able to remember it. And no, I'm not going to tell you my middle name, because then I can't run away, stupid!

Well, We'll explore this later,
Christina

Hey today,

I'd really like it if you helped today be a lot better than yesterday. None of this fighting with the family, saying goodbye to friends, having stress related bloody noses, breaking down, coughing up lungs and being a wreck stuff. Ok?

Glad we got that cleared up,
Love you already.

Yours,

Christina

Half asleep on my bed, the faint sound of a voice rang through my head. Hmmm, I thought. Just hmmm. I had gone to school to take a quiz and then rushed back to enjoy my humble, but oh so cozy, twin sized bed. Wrapped up in my tie-dye blanket, nothing could disturb me. Not a woman's voice, not a man's voice, nothing. That is, except for the godly voice of a barista. I know that voice of a barista anywhere.

Christina...?
I blinked my eyes, thinking.
....Christina?
I rolled over immediately and looked in the direction of the doorway...waiting for what comes next.
...do you want us to get you anything from starbucks?

My sister busted out laughing, not being able to hold it back anymore. Apparently she had been the first voice that I blew off and ignored, and Harold, ohhh Harold, was the second voice. She was laughing at not just how pitiful I looked wrapped up on my bed in a half comatose state, but how I immediately responded to Harold's voice. I had to defend myself.

Juli, stop laughing!
-why?
Because it's not funny! You are not comparable to Harold.
-and why is that?
Harold is a god, Juli. He is a BARISTA!
-ohhh a Bariiiiiiiiista
YES! and a God. I can't help but to give any barista my fullest attention, and a little more. They're all so attractive, it doesn't matter male or female, ugly or supremely attractive...although the more male and the more attractive the easier it is... POINT!? Barista=God, Harold=Barista, Harold= Godly. You have a keeper, my dearest sister. Keep him.
-so you can tell that he is a barista by his voice?
Juli, a Barista's voice rings out to me. They're godly. One of a kind. You obviously don't understand...
-alright...well

suddenly Harold interrupts which made me stop listening to my sister and gaze admiringly at him. "do you want a cold or hot drink?"

As I stared at him, I couldn't help but to notice the glow, the aura, if I may, that enveloped his body. "Any drink you get for me will be wonderful. Something to make me feel less shitty would be nice...I trust you...God. You are my barista. My drink is in your hands...."

I rolled back into my cocoon on my bed and awoke to a beverage being thrust into my delicate fingers. I sat up and inquired what had been chosen for me. A warm lemonade with mint tea and two packets of honey. Yummmmm. It was like a better version of Warm Apple Cider and made my throat feel nice. You may be able to compare it to a cough drop, but a really really good liquid cough drop.

Point to the story?
I love baristas and can't help but to flirt with them no matter where I go. They know a craft and I cannot help but to respect that, and want some of that...ahaha

...love at first sip.

I don't like not understanding things so I spend hours upon hours trying to sort ideas and concepts into possible constructs. Somehow I will make sense of it. Somehow I will create logic and understanding. The problem is, I create so many different scenarios and half of them are negative and half of them are positive. Which to choose as my solution? Which to believe? The facts provide for both sides, so it's hard to be swayed either direction. It's hard to know. It's a difficult process, making sense of stuff, and stuff.

Lately my life has been spinning. Round and around and I don't know when I should just STOP! and put my feet back on the ground and center my head. Am I being stupid? Selfish? Foolish? Naive? I want to know. Am I being good to myself? Giving myself credit? Making steps to grow as a person?

Then because I've been thinking about how things fit into one another, I started thinking about relationships. I don't understand them. And I'm frustrated. I mean, obviously I've never quite been there and partly because I don't see the point. I can take care of myself, I have friends, I am content doing things by myself or with other friends. So then I think of what I would do with a boyfriend. Is it just clinging to one another? Is it just having someone to pester when you want? I don't like the idea of becoming attached to someone but I do like the idea of having someone to lean on.

Then because I was thinking about that stuff I started thinking about my personality. I don't want to be manipulative. I don't want to out think someone into thinking that they like me when they don't. I don't want to create a false environment, and I don't think I am doing that, or if I even really have that ability, but it's one of my thoughts. I don't want to do that.

From there my thoughts moved to what happens if someone is liking me for all the wrong reasons? You think I am cute. Cool. You think I'm innocent. Cool. You think that I am intelligent. Cool. But is that what people are supposed to like you for? I'm not sure. Is that what I really am? I'm not so sure.

But what I think it boils down to is that I am scared out of my mind for trying something new. For going against a lot of peoples' ideas of "right" and "wrong" and doing (for once) what I really REALLY want to do. It's scary to put yourself out on the line and be vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable. It's leaving yourself available to get hurt, and getting hurt hurts. As strong as I am, I'm not that strong to wear I can endure more and MORE hurt.

I'm worried that I am going to start comparing everything to everything else that has happened to me. Creating meaning and significance out of nothing, and not taking meaning out of things that actually mean something. I recently learned in one of my classes that when you over react to something it isn't necessarily about whatever just happened to you, but that you are reliving a past moment that upset or hurt you.

Something that I am particularly sensitive to is when people say that they are going to do something and then they never do it. That they "don't have time" or "don't know how" because I grew up with that being said to me all the time. It created a drive within me to always fulfill what I said I would do and be there for my friends all the time no matter what. If I don't know how, I will learn how. I never "don't have time", because I will make time. So when someone tells me that they didn't have time to call it really hurts me. It scares me. Does that mean you're never going to have time and that I'm not ever going to be a priority. You make time for things you like. That's my mindset. If you smoke and run out of cigarettes and really need a cigarette, I am positive that you will find a cigarette. If you really like someone, you will find a way to get in contact and make them feel good. Especially if they're doing that for you. Anyways, I'm sensitive about that. I don't want that to be a problem. I'm worried that it's going to be a problem.

Other than that,
I think life is ok.
I mean, besides the going out of my mind with constant thoughts.
And falling behind in school because I'd rather be making sense of things then studying for retarded tests.

eh, I'm having good times and just need one good positive thought at a time.

Yours truly,
Scatter Brained Christina

I was thinking about phone calls today. They are quite funny...if you think about it because you're like, intercepting someone's voice from a sea of voices.

When you say Hello, you're retrieving them from the sea. YOU SAVED THEM! with the sound of your voice. Amazing.

I've always found strength in songs.

I've been pretending a whole lot lately to get myself up and happy.

Yesterday I was She Wolf, today I'll probably be Sasha Fierce and tomorrow..."not a girl, not yet a woman" ??? Quite possibly. I also start to imagine that all the tacky cheezy songs that are being played on Kiis FM are about me. "She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before..." hahaha, I'm pretty sure they are ALL about me.

I love the radio.
I love my imagination.

Somebody better call 9-1-1?



Today's agenda:
-workshop
-retail therapy
-babysitting
-staying optimistic

My younger sister just woke up.

She had a bad dream. Someone tried to take her guild from her. I guess. My mom asked her "was that upsetting because you have to work so hard for the guild and build it up?" then my sister looks at her and says snidely "no, I didn't have to work for it. It was like already level 60, but the guy was following me around the WORLD!"

...The world being the different lands she plays on for World Of Warcraft.

This is when you know...
your sister is a gamer
has a problem
lives a worry free life (being that her biggest worry is her GUILD)

fml.
-C

anything you say now,

I believe you.

-The Flaming Lips

Something is trying to get me to open my eyes into what is going on. Two boys, from two years in two days. GO. AWAY. No more please. If you shove another boy in my path tomorrow I'm just going to smack them and LET THAT BE A SIGN TO YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE! NO MORE.

alright.

Other than that... I got a Disneyland pass from my mother today. I wanted to bop every annoying kid on the head as I walked down the Main street to take the picture for the pass. I also picked up cd that I pre-ordered from the local record store, drank a lot of coffee and did some journaling. Then I got my eyebrows did so that I can feel like a girl, again.

Now I'm hanging out with a friend and then another friend and then another other friend. Distractions galore.

Optimism and happy thoughts.
Laughter and smiles.
Avoiding the dark colored clothing for awhile.

I need to not be so pessimistic so soon.

OUTZ!
-C

Dear Swings,

You have been helping me clear my head almost every night for just about a month now.
I thank you for that.

With Lots of Love,
Christina

I don't know you
But I want you

All the more for that

current worry: I don't want to be a pest.

I have been finding ways to get myself to relax and enjoy where I am at in my life, and let me tell you- no easy feat! When I have nothing to do, I usually end up feeling bogged down with confusion and sadness. Partly because I'm oblivious to so much and I know that, but I can't help that, and partly because sometimes I just feel like a loser.

SO, let me tell you about what happened yesterday.

Ok. Yesterday I laid in bed all day. Well, until 2pm. During this time I listened to music on repeat and stared at the ceiling and exchanged very minimal words with the little sister who was in my room playing video games. I just laid. For hours.

Finally, I arose and took a shower. I then sat for an hour "drying", got dressed and went off to babysit.

Babysitting was alright. I helped pick up a dog from a shelter, helped make critical decisions on how to take care of the dog, and then went home. It was a good couple of hours of working. Fun, good, but a little stressful. I'm worried for the dog. ....a little more than slightly.

So, then I get home to be yelled at by two sisters who were apparently waiting to go to Disneyland with me. My mom bought us passes randomly and I guess we were going to go last night to take the pictures for them. First off, I didn't ask for a pass. I'm not that into theme parks, at least, not enough to get a pass for anything. AND I was feeling overwhelmed already AND I felt ugly. So I put up resistance and they left without me.

I walk to my room. Friend calls me. Friend needs me to help him finish his project that involves MEEEE, so I go to school. We sit, chat, laugh, edit and write various comments onto his project papers. We had a good time. We split ways after having a brief discussion on public restroom poop requirements. Like, where can you go, and who can be present and compared our findings to that of the masses. Interesting. We were definitely not typical.

Then, still feeling like a hot mess, I get myself into breakfast food eating with my partner in crime Jlee and her boyfriend. Without first beginning to drive to LA. LA? Why would I drive to LA? I wanted to be by myself (ish), listen to music (a lot) and go somewhere I don't get to go very often and find somewhere random (and probably get killed at) to eat! So LA seemed perfect. But, after just hopping onto the freeway and settling into my 80 mph, Jlee called me. So I got off and turned around.

Denny's. Beach Blvd. SO. MUCH. FUN.
Basically what went down was girl talk (talking about boys), boy talk (talking with her boyfriend) and a whole lot of bullying each other. It is only acceptable to bully someone that you are comfortable with, because they're going to bully you right on back and nobody wants hard feelings. So you have to be good friends. Like we are. A Moon Over My Hammy with hash browns and a coffee later, I felt good, they felt good. We had decided we all felt good and we split our directions. A significant thing that went down last night was that Jlee's boyfriend was introduced to the breakfast table. Our breakfast table. It is a very exclusive event. Invite only. He's a lucky man.

Then after a short drive down the street, I'm back home. Next thing you know, I'm making art projects! ...and being creepy. But being really proud of my creepy art. I mean, that's the most creative I've ever been. So I showed Jlee (over the internet) and she got jealous and wanted me to make a picture of me and her. So I did. Now I have two really cool pictures with two really cool people. I'll make more. I just know I will.

Any who,
now I feel better. A little embarrassed of my creepiness, but the embarrassment hasn't been able to outshine the pride. Which I have a lot of. Pride. So proud.

NOW, I sit in wait.
I have class at 4pm. Classmates and I are crossing our fingers that we have no test today because he missed class last week. If we do have a test in our class, classmates and I are all going to fail. Eh, I can handle that.

THANKS FOR READING,
-C.

WE KAN EET MOOR FOODZ?!

AM I CREEPY YET?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!?!?!?1

Earlier this week I learned that there are two types of people that leave school:

"Taker Breakers" and "Giver Uppers."

Now, "Taker Breakers" are people that need to regroup. They're not losers in the loser-ish sense because they're trying to find themselves and get the focus they so desperately need. "Taker Breakers" will be back. Be it a semester, a year or a few years. They will be back. They just really need a break! You betcha little heart though, that when they come back it's going to be full throttle and they're gonna OWN their campus.

Then there's the "Giver Uppers." The "Giver Uppers" are the losers in the most loser-ish way. They threw their hands up in the air and said OY! swore of school and ran of campus never looking back, never trying to their fullest potential. Hiding from life's challenges.

To be quite honest, I don't really understand the second group. Because I am wanting to be apart of the "Taker Breaker" group and not the "Giver Uppers" one. I was schooled on both of these by my new man friend last week and he said that is better to be apart of the first group because it makes you feel better and keeps school in the picture...sorta. At least, that's what was mumbled on the phone, sorta.

School, you need to stop being so miserable and depressing. Friends, you can keep doing what you want at school because I enjoy seeing you at school. But SCHOOL, you really need to get your act together because I'm ready to Swear you off for awhile and take my break. You're total Bullshit right now. And teachers?! Get yo' shit together too! Students are supposed to procrastinate and get in trouble NOT the teachers.

Love to hate you and Hate to love you,
Christina

I was filling out the LBCC registration online just now, and OH it made me mad. Apparently I can't finish the application unless I click a button declaring what ethnicity I am.

ummm, last I checked, I don't identify with anything and it doesn't have a mutt button. Or even an Americanized button, for that matter. 3rd generation button?

F U registration.
gah.

I'm not white, i'm not Mexican, i'm not Japanese, i'm not Italian, black, Filipino, or any of that. Just me, thanks. Also, white and black, those are colors, not ethnicities. I mean, really?!

...maybe I'll lie and put Samoan, or everything for that matter.
"well, I'm part of the... salad bowl...have you heard of it?"
...or maybe I'd be better off with the oh so wrong melting pot and say I just melted everyone into me?

happy now?

I need to see these museums for myself and see if they're legit or not

& this is my life.

I went to one of my usual Starbuck's Saturday night before I had to go to work and there was one of the regular workers working, obviously. This would be typical being that I was a regular at this Starbucks and am rather familiar with the Starbuck employees.

So. There I am. At my Starbucks. When the worker who I have dubbed "the Prince" the one that evolves from the Beast from Beauty and the Beast comes out of the backroom. He seriously looks just like him. Well, Prince has been admiring me from afar for quite some time. Or so it seems. He tends to freeze, choke up on his words, get flustered/antsy whenever I go there while he's working. I've talked to him a couple of times, but usually I'm rushing to work and run out the door.

The last time I had spoken to him I was going to Washington later in the night and he and his co-worker wished me luck. So yesterday, I was waiting at the register when he came out from the backroom. He had started making a drink, but then saw me waiting and abandoned drink and came to the register where he stood quite awkwardly with mouth agape.

A line formed.

He stood there. Mouth agape. Not saying anything.

Me: Ummm, hi. Can I have this (place starbucks energy drink on counter) and an Iced Coffee with some sort of sugar-free sweetner in it?

Him: Uhhhhhhhhhh

Me: Here's Five dollars, I don't know how much it is...

Him: How was Washington? I remember you were going there...I'm in a band!

Me: Cool. So...how much is it?

Prince decided to make a very awkward move on me. He didn't charge me for the iced coffee. So I only had to pay for the energy drink. But then I didn't know how to act. Do I owe him something now? Conversation?

I grabbed my energy drink and went to the pick-up side of the counter. And stood.
Unsure.
Uneasy.
Coffee maker man/barista looked at me wondering what was going on as well. I didn't have a clue. And I had to go to work, on account of this is the coffee place I go to before I go to work! And I was late! So, I stood there for a moment until my drink popped up. I thought about what I should do, and then walked by the register spit out a hasty "hey, thanks for the drink!" and bolted out the door.

Now on my mind is...what do I do the next time I see him? Was I rude? Did I hurt his feelings?
I really find the whole situation kind of funny because I've been in that situation myself. Like, right now there's a dreadlocked beauty in one of my classes, and somehow I managed to get myself into a group and even study one on one with him! POINT, though, is that I stutter all the time in his presense. And it's not at all like I have a crush on him, but that I admire his smartness and eco-friendly look.

Overall point, is that I can be awkward. But anyone that knows me knows that. It's one of the many qualities that makes my company so greatly enjoyed by the masses.

But, yeah, I wonder what happens next, because I'm not really interested in getting to know him anymore. I've been going there for over a year now and he's just finally starting to talk to me. No thanks. And I was talking to my adult friend today and she said something along the lines of "but didn't you think he was cute/kind of like him?" and then I said "yeah, but opportunities don't last forever. You gotta jump on it, or it'll pass you by. His oppurtunity has passed. I don't wait forever." That, and I'm sorta interested in something else at the moment. No comment.

Awkward story done...now.
-C

Clean you computer screen: LAUGH NOW.

This morning I was so rudely awaken by dog mauling. My younger sister decided it would be fun to open my bedroom door and let her two dogs jump on my bed and lick-attack me. Being asleep, I instinctively reached for this poor dog's jugular (please refer to image above).

Point?

I'm such a bad ass.

On a different note (mood, really). Once I was awake, I very much enjoyed having a happy puppy lay on my bed with me.

On an entirely different note: I watched Paranormal Activity today. It received an Ehhh rating from me. Which is better than blah, but definitely nowhere near OMG.

Good Night,
Christina

Definitely LOL'd

courtesy fart:
When someone accidentally farts and is embarrased, you should, if you have one ready, let one fly as well. This is a courtesy fart. This is an opportune time for you to release since then the two fart smells will interfere and no one will discover how unbelievibly nasty your ass is.

ex: Boris farted as he bent over to pick up his shuttlecock at the badminton tournament. Shung Fe felt so bad for him that he offered up a courtesy fart. Unfortunately Shung Fe's rice and eggnoodle fart could not completely mask the liverwurst and vodka fart from Boris, and everyone had to leave the court for 15 minutes.

From UrbanDictionary.com

I might not be taking many classes this semester, but I decided I was going to finish my Leadership Academy stuff while I have the time. So by the end of the semester, hopefully I'll be done with 7 two hour workshops, 5 one hour workshops, 3 hours of community service and a little "did it" paper about what I learned.

Also, I'm trying to get more involved in my community.

Goals: Find internship/job that focuses on getting people active in the community OR helps underprivileged students/kids/moms/etc find out that there are solutions to their seemingly bad situations. I basically want to see other people succeed, and work hard to get there. And my other pathetic goal is to pass my classes and keep going to school- keep muh head up where it belongs.

Off to read for a quiz and prep for a study group!
-C

Last week I took a workshop on support systems and how it's important to have people that support you in different capacities and how it's important for you to support/encourage others.

Point?

I need some support.
I need some encouragement.

I need someone to tell me to look to the bright side, keep trying, and to not become discouraged so easily. I need someone to tell me to not let my negativity get the best of me. To tell me to tell my mind to take a chill pill.

Thanks guys,
Christina

I'm probably going to watch
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

I wore a tube top today.

...and that's basically the event of my day. Besides the AMAZING workshop I was given the opportunity to attend and working with a fun little boy at night.

Anyways, when I was stepping out the door for school this morning my mom stopped me. "Christina! What are you wearing?"
"Do I look retarded?"
"No, you have SHOULDERS! ...you know what the boys are going to do, right?"
"....touch them?"
"Have a good day at school smart ass"
"chao!"

help me! I'm shriiiiiiiiiiiiinking!
-and that's no good.

Did you know, that about 40% of those with Anorexia are between the ages of 15 and 19? And that it's becoming more prevalent for those that are older than those numbers as well? It's unsettling to see how much of our current youth population is concerned with weight, but then at the same time I'm thinking...how can they not be?

I always just think about media influences- tv, radio, magazines, billboards and anything/everything else that has a face on it. What do they talk about quite often? How big they are. What do they look like? Super skinny. Moms, Aunts, Grandmas, teachers even, talk about going on diets. I mean, some of these women probably should be on a better diet, but then what is a little girl supposed to think when their mom, who is perfect beyond perfect in their eyes, is trying to change herself? Trying to slim down?

I will admit that weight has been on my mind since last summer. Like, '08 summer. When I was the biggest I had been. ever. When I actually had to buy bigger pants because I was hanging out too much in the ones I had. I know that I was not happy about it and I paraded around and just told people "it's not the number, it's how you feel about yourself." I felt like crap. I mean, I liked myself, but I wasn't happy with my number. By any means. And that's really shallow, I know, superficial. But it got to me. So then I started not eating as much, binging when I was REALLY hungry in the middle of the night, and then not eating a lot again. Food really loses its yumminess when all you can think about is the amount of calories you're consuming. It's like, a lot of stuff just will never be worth the calories. Except for Starbuck's Tall Iced Soy Caramel Macchiato. That will always be fine.

Other than that, I will admit that I haven't been eating as well as I should be. I eat more than some of my friends, but some (a lot) of my friends are half my size. Anyways, it's bad, but I feel better about myself when I wake up and look in the mirror. You see that bone that becomes more defined as you become more skinny. Basically, more starved. My shirts started to wear differently, like better differently. And my pants, too. But you know what also disappears as you start to become skinnier? Your boobs. And if you're like me, and have been working SO hard to get what little boobage you DO have, this isn't good.

With that being said...
I'm not anorexic by any means, I'm not super skinny by any means BUT
I'm gonna start eating better: like three good meals.
I'm not going to let my stomach gargle anymore.
I'm going to start being more health conscious, but in a more healthy way.

*(http://eatingdisorders.about.com/od/anorexianervosa/p/anorexiastats.htm)

my heart is going whacko right now.

lots of nervous energy I have.
...lots and lots and lots...

It's getting interesting again,
finally.