I've always found strength in songs.

I've been pretending a whole lot lately to get myself up and happy.

Yesterday I was She Wolf, today I'll probably be Sasha Fierce and tomorrow..."not a girl, not yet a woman" ??? Quite possibly. I also start to imagine that all the tacky cheezy songs that are being played on Kiis FM are about me. "She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before..." hahaha, I'm pretty sure they are ALL about me.

I love the radio.
I love my imagination.

Somebody better call 9-1-1?



Today's agenda:
-workshop
-retail therapy
-babysitting
-staying optimistic

My younger sister just woke up.

She had a bad dream. Someone tried to take her guild from her. I guess. My mom asked her "was that upsetting because you have to work so hard for the guild and build it up?" then my sister looks at her and says snidely "no, I didn't have to work for it. It was like already level 60, but the guy was following me around the WORLD!"

...The world being the different lands she plays on for World Of Warcraft.

This is when you know...
your sister is a gamer
has a problem
lives a worry free life (being that her biggest worry is her GUILD)

fml.
-C

anything you say now,

I believe you.

-The Flaming Lips

Something is trying to get me to open my eyes into what is going on. Two boys, from two years in two days. GO. AWAY. No more please. If you shove another boy in my path tomorrow I'm just going to smack them and LET THAT BE A SIGN TO YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE! NO MORE.

alright.

Other than that... I got a Disneyland pass from my mother today. I wanted to bop every annoying kid on the head as I walked down the Main street to take the picture for the pass. I also picked up cd that I pre-ordered from the local record store, drank a lot of coffee and did some journaling. Then I got my eyebrows did so that I can feel like a girl, again.

Now I'm hanging out with a friend and then another friend and then another other friend. Distractions galore.

Optimism and happy thoughts.
Laughter and smiles.
Avoiding the dark colored clothing for awhile.

I need to not be so pessimistic so soon.

OUTZ!
-C

Dear Swings,

You have been helping me clear my head almost every night for just about a month now.
I thank you for that.

With Lots of Love,
Christina

I don't know you
But I want you

All the more for that

current worry: I don't want to be a pest.

I have been finding ways to get myself to relax and enjoy where I am at in my life, and let me tell you- no easy feat! When I have nothing to do, I usually end up feeling bogged down with confusion and sadness. Partly because I'm oblivious to so much and I know that, but I can't help that, and partly because sometimes I just feel like a loser.

SO, let me tell you about what happened yesterday.

Ok. Yesterday I laid in bed all day. Well, until 2pm. During this time I listened to music on repeat and stared at the ceiling and exchanged very minimal words with the little sister who was in my room playing video games. I just laid. For hours.

Finally, I arose and took a shower. I then sat for an hour "drying", got dressed and went off to babysit.

Babysitting was alright. I helped pick up a dog from a shelter, helped make critical decisions on how to take care of the dog, and then went home. It was a good couple of hours of working. Fun, good, but a little stressful. I'm worried for the dog. ....a little more than slightly.

So, then I get home to be yelled at by two sisters who were apparently waiting to go to Disneyland with me. My mom bought us passes randomly and I guess we were going to go last night to take the pictures for them. First off, I didn't ask for a pass. I'm not that into theme parks, at least, not enough to get a pass for anything. AND I was feeling overwhelmed already AND I felt ugly. So I put up resistance and they left without me.

I walk to my room. Friend calls me. Friend needs me to help him finish his project that involves MEEEE, so I go to school. We sit, chat, laugh, edit and write various comments onto his project papers. We had a good time. We split ways after having a brief discussion on public restroom poop requirements. Like, where can you go, and who can be present and compared our findings to that of the masses. Interesting. We were definitely not typical.

Then, still feeling like a hot mess, I get myself into breakfast food eating with my partner in crime Jlee and her boyfriend. Without first beginning to drive to LA. LA? Why would I drive to LA? I wanted to be by myself (ish), listen to music (a lot) and go somewhere I don't get to go very often and find somewhere random (and probably get killed at) to eat! So LA seemed perfect. But, after just hopping onto the freeway and settling into my 80 mph, Jlee called me. So I got off and turned around.

Denny's. Beach Blvd. SO. MUCH. FUN.
Basically what went down was girl talk (talking about boys), boy talk (talking with her boyfriend) and a whole lot of bullying each other. It is only acceptable to bully someone that you are comfortable with, because they're going to bully you right on back and nobody wants hard feelings. So you have to be good friends. Like we are. A Moon Over My Hammy with hash browns and a coffee later, I felt good, they felt good. We had decided we all felt good and we split our directions. A significant thing that went down last night was that Jlee's boyfriend was introduced to the breakfast table. Our breakfast table. It is a very exclusive event. Invite only. He's a lucky man.

Then after a short drive down the street, I'm back home. Next thing you know, I'm making art projects! ...and being creepy. But being really proud of my creepy art. I mean, that's the most creative I've ever been. So I showed Jlee (over the internet) and she got jealous and wanted me to make a picture of me and her. So I did. Now I have two really cool pictures with two really cool people. I'll make more. I just know I will.

Any who,
now I feel better. A little embarrassed of my creepiness, but the embarrassment hasn't been able to outshine the pride. Which I have a lot of. Pride. So proud.

NOW, I sit in wait.
I have class at 4pm. Classmates and I are crossing our fingers that we have no test today because he missed class last week. If we do have a test in our class, classmates and I are all going to fail. Eh, I can handle that.

THANKS FOR READING,
-C.

WE KAN EET MOOR FOODZ?!

AM I CREEPY YET?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!?!?!?1

Earlier this week I learned that there are two types of people that leave school:

"Taker Breakers" and "Giver Uppers."

Now, "Taker Breakers" are people that need to regroup. They're not losers in the loser-ish sense because they're trying to find themselves and get the focus they so desperately need. "Taker Breakers" will be back. Be it a semester, a year or a few years. They will be back. They just really need a break! You betcha little heart though, that when they come back it's going to be full throttle and they're gonna OWN their campus.

Then there's the "Giver Uppers." The "Giver Uppers" are the losers in the most loser-ish way. They threw their hands up in the air and said OY! swore of school and ran of campus never looking back, never trying to their fullest potential. Hiding from life's challenges.

To be quite honest, I don't really understand the second group. Because I am wanting to be apart of the "Taker Breaker" group and not the "Giver Uppers" one. I was schooled on both of these by my new man friend last week and he said that is better to be apart of the first group because it makes you feel better and keeps school in the picture...sorta. At least, that's what was mumbled on the phone, sorta.

School, you need to stop being so miserable and depressing. Friends, you can keep doing what you want at school because I enjoy seeing you at school. But SCHOOL, you really need to get your act together because I'm ready to Swear you off for awhile and take my break. You're total Bullshit right now. And teachers?! Get yo' shit together too! Students are supposed to procrastinate and get in trouble NOT the teachers.

Love to hate you and Hate to love you,
Christina

I was filling out the LBCC registration online just now, and OH it made me mad. Apparently I can't finish the application unless I click a button declaring what ethnicity I am.

ummm, last I checked, I don't identify with anything and it doesn't have a mutt button. Or even an Americanized button, for that matter. 3rd generation button?

F U registration.
gah.

I'm not white, i'm not Mexican, i'm not Japanese, i'm not Italian, black, Filipino, or any of that. Just me, thanks. Also, white and black, those are colors, not ethnicities. I mean, really?!

...maybe I'll lie and put Samoan, or everything for that matter.
"well, I'm part of the... salad bowl...have you heard of it?"
...or maybe I'd be better off with the oh so wrong melting pot and say I just melted everyone into me?

happy now?

I need to see these museums for myself and see if they're legit or not

& this is my life.

I went to one of my usual Starbuck's Saturday night before I had to go to work and there was one of the regular workers working, obviously. This would be typical being that I was a regular at this Starbucks and am rather familiar with the Starbuck employees.

So. There I am. At my Starbucks. When the worker who I have dubbed "the Prince" the one that evolves from the Beast from Beauty and the Beast comes out of the backroom. He seriously looks just like him. Well, Prince has been admiring me from afar for quite some time. Or so it seems. He tends to freeze, choke up on his words, get flustered/antsy whenever I go there while he's working. I've talked to him a couple of times, but usually I'm rushing to work and run out the door.

The last time I had spoken to him I was going to Washington later in the night and he and his co-worker wished me luck. So yesterday, I was waiting at the register when he came out from the backroom. He had started making a drink, but then saw me waiting and abandoned drink and came to the register where he stood quite awkwardly with mouth agape.

A line formed.

He stood there. Mouth agape. Not saying anything.

Me: Ummm, hi. Can I have this (place starbucks energy drink on counter) and an Iced Coffee with some sort of sugar-free sweetner in it?

Him: Uhhhhhhhhhh

Me: Here's Five dollars, I don't know how much it is...

Him: How was Washington? I remember you were going there...I'm in a band!

Me: Cool. So...how much is it?

Prince decided to make a very awkward move on me. He didn't charge me for the iced coffee. So I only had to pay for the energy drink. But then I didn't know how to act. Do I owe him something now? Conversation?

I grabbed my energy drink and went to the pick-up side of the counter. And stood.
Unsure.
Uneasy.
Coffee maker man/barista looked at me wondering what was going on as well. I didn't have a clue. And I had to go to work, on account of this is the coffee place I go to before I go to work! And I was late! So, I stood there for a moment until my drink popped up. I thought about what I should do, and then walked by the register spit out a hasty "hey, thanks for the drink!" and bolted out the door.

Now on my mind is...what do I do the next time I see him? Was I rude? Did I hurt his feelings?
I really find the whole situation kind of funny because I've been in that situation myself. Like, right now there's a dreadlocked beauty in one of my classes, and somehow I managed to get myself into a group and even study one on one with him! POINT, though, is that I stutter all the time in his presense. And it's not at all like I have a crush on him, but that I admire his smartness and eco-friendly look.

Overall point, is that I can be awkward. But anyone that knows me knows that. It's one of the many qualities that makes my company so greatly enjoyed by the masses.

But, yeah, I wonder what happens next, because I'm not really interested in getting to know him anymore. I've been going there for over a year now and he's just finally starting to talk to me. No thanks. And I was talking to my adult friend today and she said something along the lines of "but didn't you think he was cute/kind of like him?" and then I said "yeah, but opportunities don't last forever. You gotta jump on it, or it'll pass you by. His oppurtunity has passed. I don't wait forever." That, and I'm sorta interested in something else at the moment. No comment.

Awkward story done...now.
-C

Clean you computer screen: LAUGH NOW.

This morning I was so rudely awaken by dog mauling. My younger sister decided it would be fun to open my bedroom door and let her two dogs jump on my bed and lick-attack me. Being asleep, I instinctively reached for this poor dog's jugular (please refer to image above).

Point?

I'm such a bad ass.

On a different note (mood, really). Once I was awake, I very much enjoyed having a happy puppy lay on my bed with me.

On an entirely different note: I watched Paranormal Activity today. It received an Ehhh rating from me. Which is better than blah, but definitely nowhere near OMG.

Good Night,
Christina

Definitely LOL'd

courtesy fart:
When someone accidentally farts and is embarrased, you should, if you have one ready, let one fly as well. This is a courtesy fart. This is an opportune time for you to release since then the two fart smells will interfere and no one will discover how unbelievibly nasty your ass is.

ex: Boris farted as he bent over to pick up his shuttlecock at the badminton tournament. Shung Fe felt so bad for him that he offered up a courtesy fart. Unfortunately Shung Fe's rice and eggnoodle fart could not completely mask the liverwurst and vodka fart from Boris, and everyone had to leave the court for 15 minutes.

From UrbanDictionary.com

I might not be taking many classes this semester, but I decided I was going to finish my Leadership Academy stuff while I have the time. So by the end of the semester, hopefully I'll be done with 7 two hour workshops, 5 one hour workshops, 3 hours of community service and a little "did it" paper about what I learned.

Also, I'm trying to get more involved in my community.

Goals: Find internship/job that focuses on getting people active in the community OR helps underprivileged students/kids/moms/etc find out that there are solutions to their seemingly bad situations. I basically want to see other people succeed, and work hard to get there. And my other pathetic goal is to pass my classes and keep going to school- keep muh head up where it belongs.

Off to read for a quiz and prep for a study group!
-C

Last week I took a workshop on support systems and how it's important to have people that support you in different capacities and how it's important for you to support/encourage others.

Point?

I need some support.
I need some encouragement.

I need someone to tell me to look to the bright side, keep trying, and to not become discouraged so easily. I need someone to tell me to not let my negativity get the best of me. To tell me to tell my mind to take a chill pill.

Thanks guys,
Christina

I'm probably going to watch
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

I wore a tube top today.

...and that's basically the event of my day. Besides the AMAZING workshop I was given the opportunity to attend and working with a fun little boy at night.

Anyways, when I was stepping out the door for school this morning my mom stopped me. "Christina! What are you wearing?"
"Do I look retarded?"
"No, you have SHOULDERS! ...you know what the boys are going to do, right?"
"....touch them?"
"Have a good day at school smart ass"
"chao!"

help me! I'm shriiiiiiiiiiiiinking!
-and that's no good.

Did you know, that about 40% of those with Anorexia are between the ages of 15 and 19? And that it's becoming more prevalent for those that are older than those numbers as well? It's unsettling to see how much of our current youth population is concerned with weight, but then at the same time I'm thinking...how can they not be?

I always just think about media influences- tv, radio, magazines, billboards and anything/everything else that has a face on it. What do they talk about quite often? How big they are. What do they look like? Super skinny. Moms, Aunts, Grandmas, teachers even, talk about going on diets. I mean, some of these women probably should be on a better diet, but then what is a little girl supposed to think when their mom, who is perfect beyond perfect in their eyes, is trying to change herself? Trying to slim down?

I will admit that weight has been on my mind since last summer. Like, '08 summer. When I was the biggest I had been. ever. When I actually had to buy bigger pants because I was hanging out too much in the ones I had. I know that I was not happy about it and I paraded around and just told people "it's not the number, it's how you feel about yourself." I felt like crap. I mean, I liked myself, but I wasn't happy with my number. By any means. And that's really shallow, I know, superficial. But it got to me. So then I started not eating as much, binging when I was REALLY hungry in the middle of the night, and then not eating a lot again. Food really loses its yumminess when all you can think about is the amount of calories you're consuming. It's like, a lot of stuff just will never be worth the calories. Except for Starbuck's Tall Iced Soy Caramel Macchiato. That will always be fine.

Other than that, I will admit that I haven't been eating as well as I should be. I eat more than some of my friends, but some (a lot) of my friends are half my size. Anyways, it's bad, but I feel better about myself when I wake up and look in the mirror. You see that bone that becomes more defined as you become more skinny. Basically, more starved. My shirts started to wear differently, like better differently. And my pants, too. But you know what also disappears as you start to become skinnier? Your boobs. And if you're like me, and have been working SO hard to get what little boobage you DO have, this isn't good.

With that being said...
I'm not anorexic by any means, I'm not super skinny by any means BUT
I'm gonna start eating better: like three good meals.
I'm not going to let my stomach gargle anymore.
I'm going to start being more health conscious, but in a more healthy way.

*(http://eatingdisorders.about.com/od/anorexianervosa/p/anorexiastats.htm)

my heart is going whacko right now.

lots of nervous energy I have.
...lots and lots and lots...

It's getting interesting again,
finally.